School starts, blaah!

Dear reader, yes I'm still in school. I've been in school for 18 fucking years! And I want to get out! This is sick! Well, actually I'm not in school, I'm in university with lectures and everything "grown-up". Yeah, that worked the first years. Last year I made my Bachelor thesis and I'm absolutely exhausted! Never again!!! Unfortunately I still have my master's 10x longer thesis to do... and of course I'm sick of all the thinking and wondering and want to do something real, which means polytechnic or such and four extra years! Oh my God! I'll be 40 when I finish if I won't die of ulcer first...My mom says most of my problems are caused by thinking uni as school... says high school drop-out...



My plan is to do some shit this autumn and then search every place to find an apprendiceship. Tried last spring already, but didn't get any. Maybe I reached too high, tried to get in Finland's London and Paris cultural embassy, riiight, 3000 applicants... But one is certain, I can't study whole next year, this summer was again summer school. Plus I need money! Goverment student money ends in 6 months and then I have nothing and I must move home, where there's no jobs available.

To sum it all, I'm in shit. My mom's in shit, my grandmom and -dad are gone, this has been one sick summer. And I don't have any friends!!! Okay, don't go there again. You're own fault. Even my grandmother, the alive, asked my mother do I have a problen with her and the (now dead) grandfather, because I'm so scared of them to speak. Plus I wanted them to understand I was depressed when I wasn't speaking. Obviously didn't work... So in the end I'm alone. My mom always says everything will be ok, wait 6 months... HELP ME! Plus the girl who asked me to go to Europe, hasn't said anything after I answered yes please.



Everyone has these kind of days. This should clear the air, if not, it will be autumn soon, the season of new beginnings, new students and possibly friends, and most of all the incredible smell of autumn. My favourite season!

Viva España

I've become sportfan! It happens about 1-3 times a year, when it's world Championship of football (soccer) or icehockey. Icehockey, because Finland is actually good in it (although 1995 hasn't repeated itself yet... Basically it's Finland's own falt, put the disk into goal, don't pass it around until you lose it!) Football, because my hometown is actually good at it (although the team is about to go bankrupt,that's what you get when you sell it to a bar owner... ) and also because fuck footballers look good! Of course hockeyplayers are quite masculine, but you can't see even their faces! Me personally don't like thin men, but footballers are boyish and not as thin as runners.

Why am I writing about sport? But of course because The world championship in South Africa just ended and my favourite team won! I always choose my favourite team, unfortunately, by the first player, that I like. In 1998 it was one Italian, don't remember any more, well, Italy lost against France. That was unfortunate, because I've always liked France. In 2006 I got to try again, this time I stayed with France, and in the end Italy won. I went home, and if I have tv I will watch it, and because my father wanted to watch football, so did I and became addicted. The first game was Spain against something, and I found my new love: Fernando Torres, el Niño. He looks as young as I! Brilliant! I didn't believe Spain would win, but in the end it did! I was happy that Europe was winning in any case, but rooting Spain over Netherlands was caused by Holland being quite boring.

...What the hell was I talking about... Oh yeah, football. Just heard that Enrique Iglesias will be waterskeeing naked, thanks to the victory! David Villa, Xavi, Iker Casillas, os quiero! Not Puyol. I was so shocked, when in the final game Torres wasn't playing but this 80s rocker was! Oh well, I desided to choose other favourite; Villa. But no! In final minutes when Torres was brought back, they took Villa away (and fucked his change to get the golden boot, best goalscorer. But, actually (I hate Germany) Thomas Müller is quite nice himself. But soo young!!! Younger than me! I would go to prison! Aaanyway Torres may not have been as good as some excpected, but he sure brought luck! And kick to the balls!!!

Confusion about the circle of life

A week ago was quite important festival in Finland, Midsummer. Important in Christianity, paganism, 23 hours of sun and last time to enjoy flowers before they die. The last remark wasn't at all good, too predictive and quite a cliché. I went home to countryside and started to prepare myself to celebrate, maybe I could be brave enough to do some magic. But unfortunately after I had spent a day with my very sick mother's father we got a call saying he has been taken to hospital. He's been in terminal stage long time and we have been waiting the call over a year. Now it came, and with it the nausea. Couple days later he had got little better, he wasn't so tired after medication. I felt relief.



My little sister was announced that she should come home as quick as possible. In my mother's words, these could be the last days. this was, I think, Wednesday. On Thursday we got a call. No, it wasn't about my mother's father, but about my father's mother. She had died. That call shouldn't have been a surprise, she had been about four years in really bad condition, she couldn't hear, speak, move... But she seemed to be safe and stable. My father has lost both of his parents, and my mother is really scared. Not only about grandfather but also how my gandmother can handle losing husband and close friend.

I don't know how to handle all of this. I feel, that little grief is of course good. I have no right to ask people to stop crying. But at the same time, I feel that maybe this is how life goes. If I could die after having children, I would be glad. If I would die after having grandchildren, I would be very happy indeed. If I would be so happy to live until I saw my great grandchildren, I would be thanking God. They will never die because these 3 generations of children. The most shameful thing about my thinking was a relief. When last year I heard about my gandfather's condition I felt disappointed. I was really depressed and felt that now I must continue living although I don't really want. That he was living but I was only alive. Why this happened to him. But now, even though I'm even more depressed, I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I don't have to die after all!



I must add another revelation I had. I, again, had fights with my family. Tehy refuse to understand me, even mother, who I thought had understood before, refused to remember it. And I'm sure I was right! And then I had one of these snotty teary conversations with, apparently, God, Jesus and grandmother, and asked why do I feel so worthless, disappointed and plain horrible if I'm not meant to die. The answer came: because world is so weird! The route of life takes the strangest routes to lead to happy ending. It fealt so strange that I started to laugh (through tears). Strange strange world. We fight, hit, insult, but the life always comes back to the starting point and then maybe we'd be able to choose better. It's really incredible. Weird life...