Crying like the Weather

I think one of the worst parts of being alone is not to have anyone to comfort you when you're upset. Like a moment ago, when I broke my full plate of blueberry pie and vanilla on the floor. If there had been somebody else in here, he/she could've hugged me and say its ok, there's still plenty of pie and sauce left and the plate was the first of its kind to break. On the other hand he could be swearing and I'd be doing the comforting. But, as I'm here alone, I fell to my knees and cried.

Sunday's traditional crying day. Before I cried the worst day of my life, when that girl (who btw was just on tv crying her suicide attempts, there goes any symphaty for me), who kicked me out of our group and friendships. I had to raise up and yell "I've been happy since that, I've been happy since that!". That's true, a year after one of our friends, who I had never really talked, invited ME to be with HER and 2 GUYS, and a lot of times, she didn't get bored with me! I may have told about it, many times, but there's not so much happening that I could give new material. Anyhow, it all ended when I went abroad. It's amazing, how one of your own dreams destroys everything good. I guess you should never go after your dreams but to take the world as it comes. If it comes. I'm afraid that ship has already sailed.

I've been putting off writing here, because I wanted to have some news. Well, now I guess I have. I didn't get the job at fast food restaurant, those bloody beta bloggers failed me, what's the point of not being scared when you're sitting alone playing stupid computer games? I didn't get into Brussels or Rome internships, either. The worst part is that now I can never apply to Rome, because I got into finals and now they know me. That's what I hate about job interview. Afterwards they know you and know exactly why you're not worth it. You're never going to be asked again. Last spring I had an interview to the best workplace, well, that's over now...

However, there's one place I got into, I guess, I've had no information for the last month or so. A 3 month course at Rome next spring! There are more problems than good points. One, I can't do any of my courses. Also I was fed up with ruins in month last year, what about three months?! But, now the weather will be going towards better, not worse, that might help. I have found, that you can never do something twice, the second always sucks. That's why I'm really afraid... Lastly, but definitely not lastly, there's only going to be 2 boys, from which the other is gay. What changes do I have against 4 other girls?! But I hope the girls are going to be as nice as last time. Although there's going to be 2 pairs and me. Last time I finally ended up with pairs to an outgoing girl. What if there's going to be 2 outgoing, and 2 silent ones? How in the world can I make friends with the firsts? Only reason last time was that she had no other company but me.

I sogni autunni

Oh my goodness it's a long time not to have written! But there's an explanation; I've been busy! Yes, had few exams, planning next year's curriculum and acting a good tutor for exchange students. God it's exhausting! But like I always tell everyone who complain, there's a choise in everything. I could stop helping other people, but I rather run up and down and be their servants than sit at home and play computer games. Like job hunting. I'm not allowed to complain not finding work, because I could work in telemarketing or like that any time I want. I just choose rather be unemployed! My sister got work as a cleaner, with her law master degree. I couldn't do that. One, I hate those rubber glowes they have to use. Two, I don't have work experience (they rather employ immigrants). Three, I'm a humanist, the most useless profession there is. And four and five, I really don't want to be a cleaner even if I could get the job, and how humiliating it would be to apply and not to get it!


Must think something more interesting to write... I don't have much good news, everything seems t oget worser and worser. But for some reaso I feel much more hopeful and bright than a year ago. I'm gonna fight not to have as bad a year than last year. Good sign was when I asked one friend to come to a fest with me and she said yes!!! I'm not hopeful, people usually turn me down at the last minute, but at least I god a week to feel happy! And one boy who I have never liked much smiled at me, I don't know was it because I felt so happy and smiled brightly at him or what ever, but it made me walk on cloud nine the rest of the day! And still I'm smirking!



Here's an autumn picture, it's still quite summer here, but you can smell the autumn already. It's my very favourite season! When it's cold outside but you wear warm clothes so you feel alive, but not cold. Yesterday I walked to sit by the river. It's quite long way when my bike is broken, but it really was worth it <3<3<3.