Alea iacta est

It's finally here, the wailing update! For a while now I've been feeling pretty bad here, since the other guys are always watching movies or something together and I'm never invited. I've hoped, already in the last course, that it's because I live here in isolation in upper most room. However, none other living here has any problems, so it's me. I got to say I'm really hurt I'm never invited. First I thought it was onlybecause you should be in the kitchen and they invite everyone there, but one time I and other guy were in kitchen and he got invitation, not I. I went there any way, and it was quite shit. Horrible being somewhere where you haven't been invited.



Last week we did a trip to Campania. It was exhausting. First it was shit, then fine, then again shit. Why can't it be shit all the time, so I could just give up?! We had to live 3 persons in one room, 2 in another. What a surprise, I was isolated with that weird girl, who isn't any way more weird than I, but I still want better, I deserve all I can get. I thought they should've ask us what we want to do, but of course if they want to be together, they should. In Naples we were isolated from others in another corridor, and I was so scared we wouldn't be asked to do anything with them. But at Salerno we were opposite the boys, and still they climed to upper floor to be with the other girls without knocking our door. We were the "good girls", who shouldn't be messing with the others.



Yesterday we made plans in Capitolium museums to meet at 1 pm to have lunch. Us two waited 20 minutes, when I got an sms to say they went to lunch and if we wanted we should follow them. I "knew" (in my sick mind) that there was something afoot, but the other girl, so innocent, didn't think anything weird and wanted to follow. Apparently they'd being eating quite a while when we got there, the one girl just said oh, sorry about that. Fucking cunts. And yesterday they went all out to eat together, without us two, and today to see the new pope. I think at least the pope is so big a deal they should've asked us.




The problem with the other girl is, that she, for some reason, when we stand in a circle, moves in fornt of me, pushing me out of the circle. I don't know if the others even notice it, at least no one does anything. I could always try to find a new hole to go into, but that would mean I should bring something to the ring, but I just take. I can't speak. Now maybe I should abandon any hopes I've had about getting friends and start living full life alone. But yet I rather stay here than go back home being totally alone. Here at least some people say chiao for me.



Weather isn't really cheering me up. First picture is from trip back from Etruria, second a picture from my room, third is from Cosa, and last, a little sunshine, from Ravello in Amalfi coast.

When in Rome, drink what the Romans drink

I'm again in Rome, I didn't die on the way in here! I had two bad lucks, and so I was waiting for the 3rd, which happened quite early so I didn't have to be afraid the whole day. Firstly, I gained a body security check on the airport. With clothes on. I'm so embarrased, but my thights have experienced so unexisted action, that I would be happy to get the check again, as soon as possible thank you.
Secondly, I got again this shitty room, but it's ok, they have finally put on the radiator. Unfortunatelly the internet is bad here. Waiting for the 3rd unlu ckiness didn't last long, for when we went to grocery store and restaurant, I forgot my money and had to start borrowing money. And it continued few days on...



I started a new way of living: never think the next day. That meant no refusal of alcohol. It didn't take until the second day when I learned the lesson the hard way. First we had welcome drinks at the head of institut's flat, I have never said no to sparkling wine, so I had like 3 at least. Of course I hadn't eaten so I could eat the welcome dinner. At the restaurant I had few white wines. The situation wasn't helped by the director, who liked a drink and liked the people next to her to drink too.



Of course I followed the others for a drink into a place, where at first we had to wait a minute outside the door, which was then slammed at our face (what were they hiding?...). I wanted to go because it was my first experience with water pipe. It was also my last, because I became really sick and left early (like 12pm!). I somehow got myself to institut without problems, by talking to the girl who wanted to go to sleep,but here I begun to empty my stomack in the toilet and then in my room. It could've been food or alcohol poisoning, but I blame the tobacco. Nice night cleansing of toilet and quickly perfume before the others returned. Luckily it saved me from hangover. The only good thing.



No surprise I passed vine the next day, except the delicious risotto we made. But today I desided to join the wagon again, we ate at an Etruscan area, at Vulcii in a countryside restaurant, whatever they called it, and had wild pork with pappardelli. We had local vine, red, which was my choise, was apparently not so good, little do I know, all reds taste like shit, but they don't give a headache like white. At the end we were asked about coffee (espresso). I said yes, because I wanted to drink something. Then we were given digestive, restaurant's own amaro, which tasted little like licquirice (how the hell do you write it) and I liked it very much. First experience, some didn't like it, so maybe it wasn't good. Unfortunatelly I hadn't noticed the limoncello at the other end of the table, and it being my favourite, I had that too. No problem yet...



Tomorrow we have free time, or library working. I thought of going to buy Italian grammar and some book, if its not going to rain. These books in here are boring. Now I've been watching Persuasion 2007(?) and its music videos.

The year 2012

I saw my friend making a listing of her year, and I thought to do the same. Although I'm not sure if its going to be a bit too dark...

January:
Well, the exchange girls came, I saw only one, who was nice. In the end they kept in contact only when in trouble, so I decided to stop tutoring. I started as a president, which was scary as hell, because the former one, on whom I had trusted to help me, made a disappearance act.

February:
I redid some exams, and I moved a friend, that I actually hate, to her new apartment in order to return to the friend zone. It didn't work, however. Her new apartment is so far away and I'm so scared of people, that it didn't seem worth to go so far just to peek through the window. Also my sister, at whose place I could've slept, wasn't home.

March:
Sometime this time I had my 2 job interviews. First one went ok, I didn't get it, second was that horrible group interview, during which the leader didn't watch me in the eyes after handshake. Well, I've met her before, and she reeally has something against my looks, probably. Maybe she has tried to straighten her hair all her life and just boiled over seeing my straight hair.

April:
Vappu. I asked my Croatian friend to come with me, and she came! Only problem, she wanted to go home for the night. Also I did my thesis presentation, which went so wrong I couldn't even have guessed. I asked my teacher to give me heads up, because I panic, and she betrayed me, she threw me to the wolfs, she being the queen of the wolfs.

May:
Farewell party! The first time after Scottish 2009 spring that I ended up into a bar! And it was great, although she danced hours, and I had my slippery shoes. In addition I did my Spanish exam and only then heard it was my last Spanish, I was in shock. I had studied it only few short years!

June:
I studied, trying to survive on the icy balcony. I thing its really unfair, that on this building the southern balconies were empty and still I'm not allowed to change apartments. Also this was the first time I've done anything during the Midsummer night's eve. I walked with my friend, although, once more, she wanted to go home for the night. Also we had our Dark Ages Fare, after which my friend hugged me loooong and left back to Croatia.

July:
A surprise visit! My friend from Scotland, Belgian girl came to Finland and wanted to see me. Problem was that she under estimated the distances. Yes, I know that it took you only 6 hours to drive to your cabin, but it will take me 24 hours on a bus you see there's surprisingly no straight bus lines to the "grand northern forest". And yes, in Finland we have more than one forest, can you please say the name of the nearest town... Well, we decided to meet in Helsinki, the duration was to last 20 minutes in MacDonalds, the train cost me 30€, but no biggies...
The good thing was that I visited National Library and got some books, which I still haven't read.

August:
I was at home picking berries and making juice to last the whole winter, I didn't know I wouldn't be home the whole winter... Also I had studied the whole summer for the French entrance exam, but did the Italian one and got in. Shite!

September:
Went to a job interview into a fastfood restaurant, and didn't get the job. How sad is that! So I decided to study, study, study...

October:
I was already behind in studying. Italian is soo difficult. I have no change to make my thesis.

November:
My student society is falling apart because of our 10 years anniversary. My so called friend decided to open up on the public email. This wasn't the first time I've regretted asking her to join us. But fortunately our yearly society meeting went well and we even got ourselves a new board!

December:
Our anniversary party was amaazing! I could talk the whole time, I could change groups and still there was no problem. Even with boys! The sparkling wine didn't help my studying the next day. Exams came and went, some well, some so bad I can't even tell... And Christmas holiday; 10 days without studying, a heaven. Once again atmosphere was bad, and people were sick, but whatever.

The pillerist

I had the great problem of what to start studying. Well, I made the decision based on the amount of culture in curriculums, and the answer was italian. Sad, because I've always wanted to learn french, but I think I've got better changes to get in Rome than in Paris to do my apprendiceship. For France I should start art history as well. Not that I wouldn't like it, but I just don't have time. For some stupid reason both languages want us to study nearly all basic studies during autumn (like 22 from 25 etcs). Besides italian started to intrigue me more and more. Well, the entrance exam is 2 weeks from now, we'll know more after that.

Right now the biggest problem is that again I can't turm my head to the right. I was stupid enough to Play flute crouching in a chair, after which I looked at a fly in the window.
Hope it'll be okay by wednesday. I finally asked a doctor's appointment to get some beta blockers for my body, because this is getting ridiculous. I got only 400€ on my account, so I got to find work asap. And that's where pills come in. I've always sworen that I won't tough pills, but then again that's what's what I said about bank loans... Hopefully I will get better and find my life again. It's really awful to be a prison of a body. I just have to keep quiet about it, or else the doctor refuses pills and sends me to a shrink.

I've been reading Agatha Christie's Moving Finger, whis I think is the best novel of her's. The trick is that it's in italian, I bought it from Rome. I do with it the same proven technique that has worked with English, French and Swedish; the first book in a foreign language should be so familiar in my own language so that I don't get lost.
I like the book because the story is ( in my mind) that a handsome, clever man sees an ackward, out-of-place girl who looks younger than her age, and falls in love with her in any case. Of course she's not tall and dark but small and blonde, what are you thinking?!!

The pictures are our small lambs. We had them 11, but one unfortunately died.

I don't like this new Blogger profile

And then to other news: This has been quite a week. Last of April and first of May are not ordinary Finnish days. People drink and yell and laugh and generally have fun. I have been part of that only once. The Vappu 2006, first year of university. It was amazing, and the most important reason why I grieve the loss of my old computer and pictures. They were a proof, that I have lived, that I have actually had fun, even if it was only for 2 days. Before I went to Aberdeen, I had some of the worst times ever, but also really good times. I had friends, who invited me to parties, and I found myself to be an integral part of a small group, which was something I would've never thought could happen to me. Then I went to exchange and broke my computer, into which I had been stupid enough to leave all my photos, even though music I had put into a memory stick. When I came back, there was no one left. Nobody spoke to me. I'm completely alone. I don't even have photographs to prove what happened before. Maybe it's better, maybe now I can forget and stop being jealous for myself. But I'd still want them back.

Wrong subject; I was supposed to speak this Vappu. Well, finally, after many years of trying I found a person to accompany me to celebrations. So on Monday we went to put our student caps on and watch the washing of a naked lady, and on tuesday we went for a picpic and after to funfare. I even got my sister to join us, which I had been trying to do for ages. And then on Thursday we finally managed to go to a party, thank God because it was Farewell Party, last one this year. And on Friday shopping. All in all, really busy, lot of walking and tired, tired, tired.

The only problem was, that I was really depressed, quite frankly pissed off the whole week. I don't even know why! It happens in certain time of the month, but it wasn't that time. The only conclusion I made was, that I just don't want to be happy. I don't really want what I think I want. Even though I had wished for the whole year to get my sister and Nada together (the only friends I have), I wasn't happy; they started to talk and talk, I have it really hard to speak when I'm alone with one of them, but when they start to talk to each other, not even needing me to answer, No change. Besides my shortness gave problems...

And in the fare I wanted to go to machines, I went into one, but couldn't do it again, I didn't realise how much it scared me, and it made me so ashamed, not actually scared, just mortified how pathetic I was. And the there were these 2 young dudes standing in front of me. Sister and Nada were worried that they bothered me. How sad little girl they think I am not to be able to handle a few 14 years olds with their baby brother with them?!

What else to complain... On Wednesday I was just lying in bed whole day and Thursday everything was going bad. My only experience of a vomit hangover was when I hadn't drunk so much, just really pissed off at everybody. So I was truly waiting for the worst, but I had to go; I had been waiting for it for the last 3 and a half years, I must go. So I went; and it was ok; I was really rusty in dancing, and I was a bit upset, my friend having boyish hair and clothes, me wearing high heels and deep cleavage, and she getting all the attention, but as the evening went on, I got a few followers too, so it wasn't a complete waste of time. All's alright now, I feel ok. I would like to have a job, though...

The year's reflection

Now it's Easter, and also the anniverary of me living in this flat. I didn't want to go to bed yet, so I put some music. I desided to put Hollywood Hills by Sunrise Avenue (the only one worth listening, in my opinion, haters can hate). This was because I listened it from radio a year ago, and when my mother and sister came to visit at Easter, my sister liked it too (which is always the mark of something good...) With that memory I started to think, what is different now, a year later. Has my life progressed in any way?



At first the answer was no, my life's in excactly the same position as before, only year less time to fulfil it. But Then I made a return to reality. A year ago I knew that I had work the next summer. I had also visited Rauma for the first time and seen that it's very beautiful. But I didn't know what it was like to wake up almost every morning and leave to work when other, grown up people went to work, and get home from work and relax. I also didn't think I could leave at 7am and get back at 8pm for 2 months without problems. I'm really proud of that.



One thing I didn't know one year ago was, that I had been chosen to Roman course. I didn't know that I would spend the first holiday free of summer exams studying to Rome. I also didn't know that I would phone mom and sister yelling the news from balcony just that everyone, and especially that cute boy next door would hear about it and would gratuate (of course they didn't). They didn't know that I would also put a big sign saying ROMA to my wall just to announce the news for everyone looking in.
I didn't know I would go to Rome, walk around, be in a 34c in October, visit mountain monastery, go Galleria Borghese and Tivoli.

Today, when I was resting (sleeping) I started to see in my mind the view from Terracina. I felt that it would be my view of dreams, blue blue sky, green water far away below, the sky and sea touching each other with no other sing except the sun's reflection; white cliffs and strong wind trying to blow you to sea. I have always loved autumn because its strong winds and I love to go standing on a hill, but that was so extreme!



Of course Nada is amazing, but she's the only new girl I have got to know this year. Also I had little foresight that I would be the president of Museion, but I didnät know it would be so hard. Not the doing but the ordering. Gosh if I could sack my board, cabinet whatever it's called, I would've done it months ago.

But those two things I guess make the year worthwhile, maybe even progressing my life.

BD girl

Gianicolo e Lante

Today was my birthday. I celebrated it with no school work. I also enjoyed some mint and chocolate liqueur, and now I feel little odd. I had lunch with a friend and came home to finally organise the Rome pictures to internet for other course members to see. I also finalised the music video (yes, I make a lot of videos) of Barcelona, it's not been long, 9 months...


Tivoli

So all in all, it's been nice enough a birthday. Usually I'm really depressed, but last night I listened some songs, Take On Me and Power of Love and watched scenes from Back to the Future and Breakfust Club, and understood that maybe my birthday year wasn't so bad after all. And it's finally snow here! People are talking of -16c, I'm not believing it, because I haven't been cold. I finally can use my beautiful winter clothes, like white coat and knee high high heel boots.


Terracina

Tomorrow starts school, and I've desided to finally do some proper work. I would like to get at least Batchelor's degree before summer. But maybe I have a little too much work on my plate, well we'll see. Maybe this is the only way to get work. No way of getting a job if I have time to do it, apparently...


Pompeii

Tomorrow, spanish, french oral (if I find the courage), library to get some books to look the covers, trying to plan student union meeting (yes, I prepare to be the worst president ever, but I didn't vote for me), and grocery store would be nice enough, I'm a wee bit hungry...
And for the end, here's some Italy pictures:


Subiaco

My days as a classical archeologian

If the four weeks in Rome taught me one thing, it was that I'm never going to be full time researcher of classical archaeology. It's quite forbitten to tell this to people studying it, but it's ruines, ruines and again ruines, sculpture of Venus, and another, and another. After 3rd week my cup was already full, and I bet everyone knew it or sensed it with my huffing and puffing. The last but in no way least was the trip to Campania. Uuu best for the last! Oh not again, ruines. "But they are the great cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum!" "What ever." Our guide wanted to show us the icing of the trip, underground Naples! Oh good, never seen ruines before...


The cannon every (sun)day at Gianicolo at noon

Well, I grand that the wall paintings were quite beautiful, although there were paintings in the houses of Augustus and Livia in Palatinus as well...
Now you see how my head losed the plot. I just had to find something non-ancien activity! One of the best places in Rome was the Galleria Borghese, into which I almost didn't go. Good that I did.


Vesuvius roaring at Herculaneum. The smell of sulfur was true.

It's the case of friends and different friend groups, which do different things and act differently. Well, I cold like to belong to the group of grazy acting, laughing, drinking and behaving badly, but not of course criminanly. But, because people are always more wise than the person herself, othe people decide what group you belong. For me, because of my outer appearance and nature, the group has almost always been the clever quiet group, who speak about school, drink only wine and go to bed by 10pm. It's awful to be made to to what you don't want to do, and to get away from that group you need an accident, or really hard work. For me, I made it on the last week of Italy; thanks to my going to Borghese with the ring leader of the "other group". I even got to show my alcoholism level, when the boys had bought some whisky in the infamous Villa of Mysteries in Pompeii. It was night, we had drunk 4 bottles fo wine and one of very, very good Limoncello (why not, it was free!) and we didn't want to go to bed (like our head of the institute says, you can sleep in Finland). So we went to the swimming pool. We girls paddled in the water while boys smoke and sipped the whiskey. Then they offered one to the other girl (the one that talks), who was horrified and grinned. Then the offer came to me, I was more than happy to apply, and an astonishment! She didn't even grin! Well, why not? It was like water had been mixed into it, not really my cup of tea. Boys commented, well she's been in Scotland... Not actually the reason, I had whiskey there only once. Thanks to our classical philologies!


Wall paintings at Pompeii, the house of some man no doubt...

I might have done a small error of jugement with the water, for I saw Naples and got a cold. There went my farewell dinner and last italian pizza. I wanted to be brave, but perhaps I have to admit, I may have had quite a fever. But if somebody younger tells me to stay home when others go out, the hell I am! Luckily it didn't last long, I was quite alright coming home.


The non-catholic cemetery at dawn. Quite exciting hanging around the graves of artists died of tuberculosis while having a respitory illness...

Hurricane Katia's prisonnier

I'm booored. No, I'm just sort of flowing. I haven't written in a long time. Frist reason was that at work, week before end, happenesd the worst accident, my greatest nightmare, and not to me, I was just there, it was pure accident, awful, awful... I'll never go there again. It was so horrible I couldn't write.

Then school started, and in 10 days I'll be going to Italy. Busy, busy... And once more, my friend stood me up. Luckily the new exchange student from Croatia seems nice. So I'm not as depressed as last year. I mean she hasn't gone out with me, but at least she wanted, before it started raining...
And the Italy, I really yelled to my mother today, and the week before, and before, because I'm really stressed. It messes out everything! We have one holiday week, and it's the week after I come back, so no help. And my computer is shit as always, today I finally ordered a shitty new one, I hope my logic of waiting worse, result better is still on...

And final breaking point was when they reminded today, remember to take your ISIC cards with almoust a smily face at the end. FUCK OFF! You order us to go to museums, it sure is your job to get us discounts. Why the fuck couldn't they've told that like 2 weeks before?... Cunts. So, it's not even a big problem, I've never needed it, but for some reason I went completely crazy. Like my whole life broke down because I don't have international student card. Oh my god, wow!



Now I'm supposed to write a letter in French. I was listening to Jacques Dutroc's Les Playboys and wrote a letter in that sense, but now I have a hard time to sent it to my teacher... God I'm an idiot.

Yesterday we went, my and my sister, to watch Midnight in Paris. It almoust didn't happen, we had again a fight about sematics, entertaining for the bookstore audience. But I had waited it for 5 hours and she ovbiously wanted to see something so we went. Oh my wet knickers! I fell in love with the trailer but it tells you nothing of the movie. The movie was straight from my heart, (except the dating of Pari's Golden Age...). It was full of cliché, but so fucking what? And the whole theatre almost shared my view, it was brilliant, Adrian Brody is a vision!
Go see it if you love Paris, go see it if you just want to see something, go see it even if you hate Woody Allen, like I do, but like Vicky Christine Barcelona, which was also amaizing. Only thing bad about it was the once more american view and american accent, but luckily it was so full of surprises that I forgot it. And of course the Golden age is Belle Époque, thank you.



Now I'm listening Angel in the Night on repeat, thank you and good night, except pictures I have to add here...

Crossroads

Things aren't going well at present, work sucks, it's boring, almost unpaid, and most of all not what I was promised. More over, I was given some extra work for the last week and I had to cancel almost all Erasmus students, even the french boy! More over, because of the Italy thing I had to cancel one course which now may be cancelled all together, and the courses that have the lectures at the time of Italy cannot be replaced. So things really blow. My mother just think God wants to test my want for Italy and that I must go there, even if every problem would be solved in staying here. I mean I can't even get work because I'm here only 3 weeks before Italy, and I only have like 500€ left...


Rauma Museum paperdoll exhibition, almost anatomical iron age hunter

And still my computer is at a breaking point and the DVD player doesn't like to work either. On a plus side, I saw the girl who has wanted to go to Rome a long time, and I had the pleasre to see her mad face when announcing my news!... But anyway, it has been so long since I've seen anyone that I'm quite happy now. I hope that she will get to museology so that I could have one friend more. She made a very brave decision to take a year off of journalist school. I envy her courage, even if she's quite depressed about it. I read her blog in which she complains how everything is going bad, how she's so depressed and goes to see therapist and how she meets everyday at least two diffrent groups of friends and have fun (and try to forget the bad things) and travel around Finland to see other friends... FUCK YOU! How dare anyone complain about bad things if one has friends as much as she does? My best friend is my sister with whom I meet once every 3 weeks and usually we fight. This girl is possibly my second best friend with whom I meet every 6 months when both are holding a little back, because our history...


Nice uniform for a little girl... Note, it's not a swastika, it's got "shorter arms"

Actually I was meant to write only good things today but it seems I failed... But at least that's over and done with. It seems that now I'm in a crossroads, I have no idea what will happen next, what ever decision I make there is nothing to show what the outcome might be, no idea... But all in all, it's quite relaxing, I can't predict the future, so I have no reason to be scared. Life will change, but who's to say it's a bad thing?

East or West, which is best, wtf?

I've found another favourite song. Last year it was Paps'n Skar's La Dance and a dance edit of it. Now it's Basshunter's Angel in the Night, which is increbibly old. First of all it has awesome chords, like that small bit of I Promised myself (how many of us out here / feel the pain of losing what was once there, actually I've no idea how the lyrics go). Any way that's good, I usually always listen only the music, never lyrics. But in this Angel song even the lyrics are amazing! I wish some boy once would sing them to me! "I don't know what I'm gonna do, But I'm so crazy about you"; iik!



I've started to think the times when I've been most happy. When I listen this song, with is bass rhythm, really loud with headphones, I almoust start to cry. But there's still something missing. When I'm at a bar, with hundreds of people around me, all jumping the same beat and singing same lyrics, that's heaven. The whole humankind is one, moves as one. Suddenly you catch the eye of someone you have never seen before. You don't see what he/she looks like, you just smile and he smiles back and you are soulmates as long as you sing that song. This is why I love partying in discotecks. So unintellectuas as bass rhythm is (no intentional insult here, I just mean compared to jazz or Beethoven), it unites people like nothing else.

When you compare Asia and Europe (west), people always say that West is about individuality. Everyone wants to be their own person, no one wants to wear same cloths and everyone want to achieve things on their own merits. East in comparison is about groups, no individuality, society before individuals. It's quite strange for me to look at chinese movies like Hero, where there are thousands of soldiers all looking and behaving the same. (That's not reality, that's only my ignorance and smallminded and boredom). Why we try our best to be individuals, all alone and separate from other people, when we still love to go jump in a crowd? I try my hardest to me me, but still I'm happiest as one of that one being with thousand bodies. I really don't understand the world, but while I'm meditating it, I'll out headphones on and close my eyes to see my tribe.

Confusion about the circle of life

A week ago was quite important festival in Finland, Midsummer. Important in Christianity, paganism, 23 hours of sun and last time to enjoy flowers before they die. The last remark wasn't at all good, too predictive and quite a cliché. I went home to countryside and started to prepare myself to celebrate, maybe I could be brave enough to do some magic. But unfortunately after I had spent a day with my very sick mother's father we got a call saying he has been taken to hospital. He's been in terminal stage long time and we have been waiting the call over a year. Now it came, and with it the nausea. Couple days later he had got little better, he wasn't so tired after medication. I felt relief.



My little sister was announced that she should come home as quick as possible. In my mother's words, these could be the last days. this was, I think, Wednesday. On Thursday we got a call. No, it wasn't about my mother's father, but about my father's mother. She had died. That call shouldn't have been a surprise, she had been about four years in really bad condition, she couldn't hear, speak, move... But she seemed to be safe and stable. My father has lost both of his parents, and my mother is really scared. Not only about grandfather but also how my gandmother can handle losing husband and close friend.

I don't know how to handle all of this. I feel, that little grief is of course good. I have no right to ask people to stop crying. But at the same time, I feel that maybe this is how life goes. If I could die after having children, I would be glad. If I would die after having grandchildren, I would be very happy indeed. If I would be so happy to live until I saw my great grandchildren, I would be thanking God. They will never die because these 3 generations of children. The most shameful thing about my thinking was a relief. When last year I heard about my gandfather's condition I felt disappointed. I was really depressed and felt that now I must continue living although I don't really want. That he was living but I was only alive. Why this happened to him. But now, even though I'm even more depressed, I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I don't have to die after all!



I must add another revelation I had. I, again, had fights with my family. Tehy refuse to understand me, even mother, who I thought had understood before, refused to remember it. And I'm sure I was right! And then I had one of these snotty teary conversations with, apparently, God, Jesus and grandmother, and asked why do I feel so worthless, disappointed and plain horrible if I'm not meant to die. The answer came: because world is so weird! The route of life takes the strangest routes to lead to happy ending. It fealt so strange that I started to laugh (through tears). Strange strange world. We fight, hit, insult, but the life always comes back to the starting point and then maybe we'd be able to choose better. It's really incredible. Weird life...