Autumn Fever

Yes, unfortunately it's true. Might have known that the moment I read the word autumn break in calendar I get sick. I only wish I'm ok tomorrow, I was supposed to go visit home... When I lived with mother or when she visited me all that was needed was a bottle of our own black currant juice and health returned. I bought last year factory made juice and it was awful! Don't you think it's horrible that when you have a cold you feel sick and every remeby, juice, the, fruits, eucalyptus stuff for throat and nose, they are all so sweet and then you truly feel sick! Few years ago I found heavenly food, Knorr chicken and noodle soup and toast. But they don't sell that in Finland, only that disgusting slimy thing.

Another fever I had a while ago, that is two quite adorable males lost their girlfriends. I mean, am I not allowed to rejoice of their unhappiness? Strangely enough, the other, living here, was quite bright looking when meeting me... I think I would answer differently would he ask again. Although, I have had numberless phone calls recently. The other guy, well he's my cousin so there's nothing strange there. I heard every girl is in love with their cousins. By the way, he looks exactly like Mark Feehily form Westlife. Another cousing looks like Backstreet Boys' Brian. Lord I'm lucky! I've never met his girlfriend but I've seen her picture in Facebook and she's old and quite ugly. Good riddens for bad rubbish! After a week/2 weeks he's now hooked again, with the same girl, what a tragedy!!!

But anyway, if you who sent me a text 3-4 years ago would send one again I still wouldn't answer but if you would come to get me, I would come. I wouldn't have changed my mind but I might be little less scared. I still think I would be perfect for you, don't mess with those adolescent girls. At least now I've been practising, and with French men no less!



An article in the museum studies notice board. Translation of finnish: "I want to become a museum curator".

Hoplaa

Yes. Of course it happened. I've complained bloody 10 years nto having a job. And now there's millions of possibilities! Museology, stupid and boring and time consuming as it is, however required 2 apprendiceships. So now I have an excuse to beg work. And I've asked one Finnish museum, they haven't answered yes but they have said maybe. I've contacted Italy, and there's possibility if I'm brave enough to write to the director. And Cimo scholarships are here, London with some celebrations, Paris and some festivals and a new Rome and the lovely Villa Lante! Gosh I was so disappointed not to be able to go there the year before, but I might have change now.


Only thing is to apply. The hardest thing is if I get to Cimo, I can't do museology work. The same thing happened year ago. I was supposed to apply to Cimo and Lante course. I was scared that I would get to both and therefore I didn't apply to course and didn't get to London or Paris either. God I pray I will get to some place and will be extremely happy and healthy. I have to say this year seems much lighter than year ago. Then I hoped to rejoin with my friends and wad disappointed. Now I know I'll be alone so no disappointments! I can do whatever I want to do alone! Except of course when I'm so lonely and ask somebody and she'll rather stay alone than be with me. But no expectations!

I want

I want friends
I wannt closeness
I want kindness
I want fun
I want someone to ask what I've been doing
and to ask followup questions
I want to go dancing
I want a job
I want hope
I want reason
I want to be healthy
I want to be like everyone else
I want everything to be good again
I want mother to get work
I want mother to get friends
I want mother to stop going alone to Lapland
I want love
I want respect
I want someone to want my body
I want someone to want my mind
I want someone to want to be with me
I want someone to want to get coffee with me
I want someone to ask me to do something with them
I want someone to answer YES to my question
I want that someone to keep their promise
I don't want to be alone
I don't want to cry
I don't want to be depressed
I don't want to be scared
I don't want to stage like I've been out
I don't want to leave around empty beer bottles
which I've been pouring to the sink
or take my key off the door
and wake up early the next morning to put it back
I want to go out once a week
I want to talk to people at least 5 times a week
I want at least 2 groups of friends who don't know each other
I want to lose my virginity in some drunken night to very goodlooking and skillful bloke whoI won't ever see again
I want to have at least 3 boyfriends before I get engaged
I want someone to contact me saying they
admire my work and would I work for them
I want to live in old stone building in city centre,
the kind of building in which everyone want's to visit me
I want people to understand I may not be beautiful but my dimples are the cutest in the world
I want them want to surprise me
I want them to remember stuff about me
I want them to care about what's happening to me
I want them to call me

I sogni autunni

Oh my goodness it's a long time not to have written! But there's an explanation; I've been busy! Yes, had few exams, planning next year's curriculum and acting a good tutor for exchange students. God it's exhausting! But like I always tell everyone who complain, there's a choise in everything. I could stop helping other people, but I rather run up and down and be their servants than sit at home and play computer games. Like job hunting. I'm not allowed to complain not finding work, because I could work in telemarketing or like that any time I want. I just choose rather be unemployed! My sister got work as a cleaner, with her law master degree. I couldn't do that. One, I hate those rubber glowes they have to use. Two, I don't have work experience (they rather employ immigrants). Three, I'm a humanist, the most useless profession there is. And four and five, I really don't want to be a cleaner even if I could get the job, and how humiliating it would be to apply and not to get it!


Must think something more interesting to write... I don't have much good news, everything seems t oget worser and worser. But for some reaso I feel much more hopeful and bright than a year ago. I'm gonna fight not to have as bad a year than last year. Good sign was when I asked one friend to come to a fest with me and she said yes!!! I'm not hopeful, people usually turn me down at the last minute, but at least I god a week to feel happy! And one boy who I have never liked much smiled at me, I don't know was it because I felt so happy and smiled brightly at him or what ever, but it made me walk on cloud nine the rest of the day! And still I'm smirking!



Here's an autumn picture, it's still quite summer here, but you can smell the autumn already. It's my very favourite season! When it's cold outside but you wear warm clothes so you feel alive, but not cold. Yesterday I walked to sit by the river. It's quite long way when my bike is broken, but it really was worth it <3<3<3.

School starts, blaah!

Dear reader, yes I'm still in school. I've been in school for 18 fucking years! And I want to get out! This is sick! Well, actually I'm not in school, I'm in university with lectures and everything "grown-up". Yeah, that worked the first years. Last year I made my Bachelor thesis and I'm absolutely exhausted! Never again!!! Unfortunately I still have my master's 10x longer thesis to do... and of course I'm sick of all the thinking and wondering and want to do something real, which means polytechnic or such and four extra years! Oh my God! I'll be 40 when I finish if I won't die of ulcer first...My mom says most of my problems are caused by thinking uni as school... says high school drop-out...



My plan is to do some shit this autumn and then search every place to find an apprendiceship. Tried last spring already, but didn't get any. Maybe I reached too high, tried to get in Finland's London and Paris cultural embassy, riiight, 3000 applicants... But one is certain, I can't study whole next year, this summer was again summer school. Plus I need money! Goverment student money ends in 6 months and then I have nothing and I must move home, where there's no jobs available.

To sum it all, I'm in shit. My mom's in shit, my grandmom and -dad are gone, this has been one sick summer. And I don't have any friends!!! Okay, don't go there again. You're own fault. Even my grandmother, the alive, asked my mother do I have a problen with her and the (now dead) grandfather, because I'm so scared of them to speak. Plus I wanted them to understand I was depressed when I wasn't speaking. Obviously didn't work... So in the end I'm alone. My mom always says everything will be ok, wait 6 months... HELP ME! Plus the girl who asked me to go to Europe, hasn't said anything after I answered yes please.



Everyone has these kind of days. This should clear the air, if not, it will be autumn soon, the season of new beginnings, new students and possibly friends, and most of all the incredible smell of autumn. My favourite season!

Viva España

I've become sportfan! It happens about 1-3 times a year, when it's world Championship of football (soccer) or icehockey. Icehockey, because Finland is actually good in it (although 1995 hasn't repeated itself yet... Basically it's Finland's own falt, put the disk into goal, don't pass it around until you lose it!) Football, because my hometown is actually good at it (although the team is about to go bankrupt,that's what you get when you sell it to a bar owner... ) and also because fuck footballers look good! Of course hockeyplayers are quite masculine, but you can't see even their faces! Me personally don't like thin men, but footballers are boyish and not as thin as runners.

Why am I writing about sport? But of course because The world championship in South Africa just ended and my favourite team won! I always choose my favourite team, unfortunately, by the first player, that I like. In 1998 it was one Italian, don't remember any more, well, Italy lost against France. That was unfortunate, because I've always liked France. In 2006 I got to try again, this time I stayed with France, and in the end Italy won. I went home, and if I have tv I will watch it, and because my father wanted to watch football, so did I and became addicted. The first game was Spain against something, and I found my new love: Fernando Torres, el Niño. He looks as young as I! Brilliant! I didn't believe Spain would win, but in the end it did! I was happy that Europe was winning in any case, but rooting Spain over Netherlands was caused by Holland being quite boring.

...What the hell was I talking about... Oh yeah, football. Just heard that Enrique Iglesias will be waterskeeing naked, thanks to the victory! David Villa, Xavi, Iker Casillas, os quiero! Not Puyol. I was so shocked, when in the final game Torres wasn't playing but this 80s rocker was! Oh well, I desided to choose other favourite; Villa. But no! In final minutes when Torres was brought back, they took Villa away (and fucked his change to get the golden boot, best goalscorer. But, actually (I hate Germany) Thomas Müller is quite nice himself. But soo young!!! Younger than me! I would go to prison! Aaanyway Torres may not have been as good as some excpected, but he sure brought luck! And kick to the balls!!!

Confusion about the circle of life

A week ago was quite important festival in Finland, Midsummer. Important in Christianity, paganism, 23 hours of sun and last time to enjoy flowers before they die. The last remark wasn't at all good, too predictive and quite a cliché. I went home to countryside and started to prepare myself to celebrate, maybe I could be brave enough to do some magic. But unfortunately after I had spent a day with my very sick mother's father we got a call saying he has been taken to hospital. He's been in terminal stage long time and we have been waiting the call over a year. Now it came, and with it the nausea. Couple days later he had got little better, he wasn't so tired after medication. I felt relief.



My little sister was announced that she should come home as quick as possible. In my mother's words, these could be the last days. this was, I think, Wednesday. On Thursday we got a call. No, it wasn't about my mother's father, but about my father's mother. She had died. That call shouldn't have been a surprise, she had been about four years in really bad condition, she couldn't hear, speak, move... But she seemed to be safe and stable. My father has lost both of his parents, and my mother is really scared. Not only about grandfather but also how my gandmother can handle losing husband and close friend.

I don't know how to handle all of this. I feel, that little grief is of course good. I have no right to ask people to stop crying. But at the same time, I feel that maybe this is how life goes. If I could die after having children, I would be glad. If I would die after having grandchildren, I would be very happy indeed. If I would be so happy to live until I saw my great grandchildren, I would be thanking God. They will never die because these 3 generations of children. The most shameful thing about my thinking was a relief. When last year I heard about my gandfather's condition I felt disappointed. I was really depressed and felt that now I must continue living although I don't really want. That he was living but I was only alive. Why this happened to him. But now, even though I'm even more depressed, I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I don't have to die after all!



I must add another revelation I had. I, again, had fights with my family. Tehy refuse to understand me, even mother, who I thought had understood before, refused to remember it. And I'm sure I was right! And then I had one of these snotty teary conversations with, apparently, God, Jesus and grandmother, and asked why do I feel so worthless, disappointed and plain horrible if I'm not meant to die. The answer came: because world is so weird! The route of life takes the strangest routes to lead to happy ending. It fealt so strange that I started to laugh (through tears). Strange strange world. We fight, hit, insult, but the life always comes back to the starting point and then maybe we'd be able to choose better. It's really incredible. Weird life...