Nobody

Now prepare: I will feel sorry for myself once more!
Today, (or yesterday) was St Patrick's day. Should be fun, but... First I saw a show with an injured cow which had to be shot, and that started me thinking about our sweet dog, Risto Paha, who about 10 years ago was driven over by our neighbour and left to the field to suffer until in the evening he had the courage to tell us, but it was too late. He had to be put down. He was funny dog, half badger dog and half beagle; he was like a metre long sausage! Now I cry again...

But better to cry about that than the second thing. I mean I know a lot of Irish music, I play tin whistle. And I was in Scotland and stuff. Most of my friends, I know, are really interested about those two things. And what really hurts me is that no one asks me about it, nobody cares. Why they rather read a book or something than ask me, their friend?! I mean I kept my visit to Paris as a secret from my family, when I was back home, because nobody asked me what I had been doing and where I had been. They say they didn't want to bother me, because I didn't seem to want to talk. It seems incredible that people can't understand that someone would like to feel wanted. One girl, who I thought was a good friend, hadn't even noticed that I had been a year away! So much for friendship. I really hate the thing when people say, it's really nice to see you, we should meet and go for a coffee or something. Nowdays I've started to answer to that: yeah right... Maybe that's not such a good idea, but I want them to understand not to speak stuff they don't mean. The whole truth is not always such a good idea, but don't lie. Raising hopes is much worse. You cunts. I'm much happier lying here on my floor alone writing a blog text about you in the middle of the night.



Oh, and that reminds me couple more complaints. I met a nice italian girl, from whom I tried to fish an invitation to a party, whish she had like 4 times a week. I felt my world collapsing, when I saw from fb that she had had a party with like 100 people, whom she certainly didn't know all, and at least 20 finnish. Nobody would even have noticed me in there, then why not?!! Another time I decided to act myself. I tried to organise an evening out, but half of the people were sick and then the others found out, I was the only one they would meet, they became tired. The next time, the other way around, the third, they were all sick... After that I didn't try any more... I chose to be a tutor because Im so lonely and that was the only way for me to meet people, when I had to talk to people. And now, this term, I wasn't even given any. Brilliant! Society's way of saying, it doesn't matter how much you try, I
you don't fit, then you don't fit.

I will continue of Barcelona soon!

Drinking from the Grail

Today I found amazing song. I don't know what it is, it's sung in English, but I can't really make out the lyrics. It's really simple, just C-A-F-G on piano all the time, and some fineries. But often simplest is the most effective. Especially for me, who's into stong base line. And then I went into facebook and saw my friend had written something to me. I'm still too scared to read and possibly ruin it so I don't know for certain what it was she wanted, but it started with traveling plans, and I wish, nay, I Pray she's asking me to leave with her. I've had so much shit this year, I've been all alone and school's went bad and health of course down. so when I read the note, and listened the song, I walked two steps, fell on my knees and cried. ---



This little dramatic act has been my saviour often. It takes away the pain in misery and boosts up the happiness in joy. Mostly, like 80% of it is an act. I deside now I feel like falling on my knees. But when I deside to stand and start walking my knees just give up almost automatically. And the crying is just wrong. That's not what I want, but I gather the emotion, on purpose, so much that it finally takes over. Why it's so amazing is because normally I have such selfcontrol. I don't talk, I don't defend, I don't say my opinions or show emotions (except laughter). It's such a pleasure to be dramatic on one's own home! And of course it's what ladies were doing in historical times, swooning and so on, as a mark of femininity. Such a nice little play of a fine lady. I wish everybody could experience this. Lots get fits of anger, maybe even fits of passion. But to hear a song and have a fit of such a joy it makes you fall really makes you believe in goodness of world. But don't cry. It makes your eyes and head hurt.