Alea iacta est

It's finally here, the wailing update! For a while now I've been feeling pretty bad here, since the other guys are always watching movies or something together and I'm never invited. I've hoped, already in the last course, that it's because I live here in isolation in upper most room. However, none other living here has any problems, so it's me. I got to say I'm really hurt I'm never invited. First I thought it was onlybecause you should be in the kitchen and they invite everyone there, but one time I and other guy were in kitchen and he got invitation, not I. I went there any way, and it was quite shit. Horrible being somewhere where you haven't been invited.



Last week we did a trip to Campania. It was exhausting. First it was shit, then fine, then again shit. Why can't it be shit all the time, so I could just give up?! We had to live 3 persons in one room, 2 in another. What a surprise, I was isolated with that weird girl, who isn't any way more weird than I, but I still want better, I deserve all I can get. I thought they should've ask us what we want to do, but of course if they want to be together, they should. In Naples we were isolated from others in another corridor, and I was so scared we wouldn't be asked to do anything with them. But at Salerno we were opposite the boys, and still they climed to upper floor to be with the other girls without knocking our door. We were the "good girls", who shouldn't be messing with the others.



Yesterday we made plans in Capitolium museums to meet at 1 pm to have lunch. Us two waited 20 minutes, when I got an sms to say they went to lunch and if we wanted we should follow them. I "knew" (in my sick mind) that there was something afoot, but the other girl, so innocent, didn't think anything weird and wanted to follow. Apparently they'd being eating quite a while when we got there, the one girl just said oh, sorry about that. Fucking cunts. And yesterday they went all out to eat together, without us two, and today to see the new pope. I think at least the pope is so big a deal they should've asked us.




The problem with the other girl is, that she, for some reason, when we stand in a circle, moves in fornt of me, pushing me out of the circle. I don't know if the others even notice it, at least no one does anything. I could always try to find a new hole to go into, but that would mean I should bring something to the ring, but I just take. I can't speak. Now maybe I should abandon any hopes I've had about getting friends and start living full life alone. But yet I rather stay here than go back home being totally alone. Here at least some people say chiao for me.



Weather isn't really cheering me up. First picture is from trip back from Etruria, second a picture from my room, third is from Cosa, and last, a little sunshine, from Ravello in Amalfi coast.

Crying like the Weather

I think one of the worst parts of being alone is not to have anyone to comfort you when you're upset. Like a moment ago, when I broke my full plate of blueberry pie and vanilla on the floor. If there had been somebody else in here, he/she could've hugged me and say its ok, there's still plenty of pie and sauce left and the plate was the first of its kind to break. On the other hand he could be swearing and I'd be doing the comforting. But, as I'm here alone, I fell to my knees and cried.

Sunday's traditional crying day. Before I cried the worst day of my life, when that girl (who btw was just on tv crying her suicide attempts, there goes any symphaty for me), who kicked me out of our group and friendships. I had to raise up and yell "I've been happy since that, I've been happy since that!". That's true, a year after one of our friends, who I had never really talked, invited ME to be with HER and 2 GUYS, and a lot of times, she didn't get bored with me! I may have told about it, many times, but there's not so much happening that I could give new material. Anyhow, it all ended when I went abroad. It's amazing, how one of your own dreams destroys everything good. I guess you should never go after your dreams but to take the world as it comes. If it comes. I'm afraid that ship has already sailed.

I've been putting off writing here, because I wanted to have some news. Well, now I guess I have. I didn't get the job at fast food restaurant, those bloody beta bloggers failed me, what's the point of not being scared when you're sitting alone playing stupid computer games? I didn't get into Brussels or Rome internships, either. The worst part is that now I can never apply to Rome, because I got into finals and now they know me. That's what I hate about job interview. Afterwards they know you and know exactly why you're not worth it. You're never going to be asked again. Last spring I had an interview to the best workplace, well, that's over now...

However, there's one place I got into, I guess, I've had no information for the last month or so. A 3 month course at Rome next spring! There are more problems than good points. One, I can't do any of my courses. Also I was fed up with ruins in month last year, what about three months?! But, now the weather will be going towards better, not worse, that might help. I have found, that you can never do something twice, the second always sucks. That's why I'm really afraid... Lastly, but definitely not lastly, there's only going to be 2 boys, from which the other is gay. What changes do I have against 4 other girls?! But I hope the girls are going to be as nice as last time. Although there's going to be 2 pairs and me. Last time I finally ended up with pairs to an outgoing girl. What if there's going to be 2 outgoing, and 2 silent ones? How in the world can I make friends with the firsts? Only reason last time was that she had no other company but me.

Life is nothing more than a quick succession of busy nothings

Ooo it seems to be over a month since I last wrote here. I guess its because I haven't had anything really good or bad. Or maybe yes, but I've just tried to read stuff for my thesis, not succeeding, but I have to try, since I don't have work. So no holiday this summer.

I've also have been making big plans about next year. Of course I was supposed to work and quickly in the evenings write my thesis into Laudatur, but I really want to take French into a minor, so maybe I could get work there. But the best chanbge for work is Villa Lnate, so I should take also Italian. And one mustn't forget the every second year Museology courses. And I really should learn Swedish properly. Oh and the fucking Virgil! So I have my plate full. The probleme is money. I'm not gonna cry it again, but its always in my mind, how my mother ruined my life. And that's awful I feel even more sick of that thought than the money thought. Reality is, that its impossible (for somebody like me) to get payed job, and that's why I had lived 5 years in macaroni to save money, which my mother... I'm soo awful! but I've decided that next autumn I go to Health Centre to ask some beta blockers and try them out. This is ridicule. Who isn't chosen to be tooilet cleaner?!!!

Some more bad news. Nada's gone. I felt like a love sick puppy, she left her clothes and stuff here and I've been sniffing them. We didn't do much, once a forthnight a lunch, and only one time party. But that, I think, is what set her apart. Last time I was in a party was 3 years ago, fiesta latina at Aberdeen with the Swedish girl; which actually was the only party that spring (I'm not counting ta ceilidh, which sucked. James was quite horrible, luckily she's broken up with him). That autumn I partied a lot, and actually the girl, or one of them, is coming to Finland! Don't know exactly when, in a few days, she didn't say exactly. And even more interesting was the location: Northern forest. Hmmm... Finland is quite bigger and has a few forests more than Belgium, pick a map! But if it happens it should be an adventure. The probleme is that I'm a pessimist (OMG no way!). We talked with Nada about Monkeying 2-3 months, and it didn't happen.

Then I have one more topic: football. But unfortunatelly its again negative. WC games I was for Spain from the start, and so I was now. But unfortunately my time in Italy and 2006 made me root for them as well. So I was in a bit of a dead end on the final last Sunday. Two minutes before the game started, I made my choice: since the last game I saw was Italy-Germany, which the pretty team won, and Spanish apparently are quite good, I choose Italians. What a catastrophe! But, something of a sun ray came to view; my favorite El Niño made a goaaal! He's so cute!

I don't like this new Blogger profile

And then to other news: This has been quite a week. Last of April and first of May are not ordinary Finnish days. People drink and yell and laugh and generally have fun. I have been part of that only once. The Vappu 2006, first year of university. It was amazing, and the most important reason why I grieve the loss of my old computer and pictures. They were a proof, that I have lived, that I have actually had fun, even if it was only for 2 days. Before I went to Aberdeen, I had some of the worst times ever, but also really good times. I had friends, who invited me to parties, and I found myself to be an integral part of a small group, which was something I would've never thought could happen to me. Then I went to exchange and broke my computer, into which I had been stupid enough to leave all my photos, even though music I had put into a memory stick. When I came back, there was no one left. Nobody spoke to me. I'm completely alone. I don't even have photographs to prove what happened before. Maybe it's better, maybe now I can forget and stop being jealous for myself. But I'd still want them back.

Wrong subject; I was supposed to speak this Vappu. Well, finally, after many years of trying I found a person to accompany me to celebrations. So on Monday we went to put our student caps on and watch the washing of a naked lady, and on tuesday we went for a picpic and after to funfare. I even got my sister to join us, which I had been trying to do for ages. And then on Thursday we finally managed to go to a party, thank God because it was Farewell Party, last one this year. And on Friday shopping. All in all, really busy, lot of walking and tired, tired, tired.

The only problem was, that I was really depressed, quite frankly pissed off the whole week. I don't even know why! It happens in certain time of the month, but it wasn't that time. The only conclusion I made was, that I just don't want to be happy. I don't really want what I think I want. Even though I had wished for the whole year to get my sister and Nada together (the only friends I have), I wasn't happy; they started to talk and talk, I have it really hard to speak when I'm alone with one of them, but when they start to talk to each other, not even needing me to answer, No change. Besides my shortness gave problems...

And in the fare I wanted to go to machines, I went into one, but couldn't do it again, I didn't realise how much it scared me, and it made me so ashamed, not actually scared, just mortified how pathetic I was. And the there were these 2 young dudes standing in front of me. Sister and Nada were worried that they bothered me. How sad little girl they think I am not to be able to handle a few 14 years olds with their baby brother with them?!

What else to complain... On Wednesday I was just lying in bed whole day and Thursday everything was going bad. My only experience of a vomit hangover was when I hadn't drunk so much, just really pissed off at everybody. So I was truly waiting for the worst, but I had to go; I had been waiting for it for the last 3 and a half years, I must go. So I went; and it was ok; I was really rusty in dancing, and I was a bit upset, my friend having boyish hair and clothes, me wearing high heels and deep cleavage, and she getting all the attention, but as the evening went on, I got a few followers too, so it wasn't a complete waste of time. All's alright now, I feel ok. I would like to have a job, though...

My childhood educator

A few days ago I desided to make a new desktop picture, for I've had the present for 2-3 weeks, and it's not made by me! So I wrote to google "period drama", and started to look at the pictures. When this one popped up, ( I don't remember which one of these)















the first thought in my mind was 'Oh my God it's me!'. That was really weird, for I don't look at all like her. But that was my initial reaction.

I've been thinking about my inability to be with people, you know, thinking that people come to me, and the worse I behave the more others like me. I mean Gilbert came back to Anne. Why don't my boys come back to me after I've asked them to disappear?
What I think is the reason is, that maybe my mom made a mistake to introduce me with this kind of literature. Of course the alternative would've been forest work with my gloomy dad, but at least he's a real person, not an invented caracter from a hundred years old Scottish children's book. Apparently my alter ego Anne of Green Gables has taken over even my perseption of my body. No wonder I all but throw up when in the mirror there's a person with fat face, achne, deep setted small pig eyes and the most bushiest of eye brows. There, that's who I am. Or am I, if I don't feel like it?

In the end, God did Anne have a wonderful life?! I mean look at it!

Winter evening

Hah, it happened again! Now I guess it'll be no longer an accident, but a fact. I don't go to parties. The heaven for me would be drinks, shouting, singing, music, dancing, talking, embarrasing truths, strange places to wake up and easy breathing. Yesterday was a party. A party in which I was invited to, by a person I don't necessary like but a person who likes to drink, dance and stuff. In her place it always smells weird and she has that killer cat, but anyhow, I wanted to go! There was people, maybe a bit different, but to mend that I was planning to bring there my Offida vine. There most likely would have been a girl I liked, and maybe a boy I kind of liked and who had liked me and that was a change for him to remember what was so likeable about me. And a possibility of having a boy, whom I've seen in courses and stuff and it would have been a change for him to get to know me. But, in the end, I didn't go. The reason, after having my dinner I would only had 2 hours before, and my stomache would have hurt to be in a rush.


Christmas presents for the familii

Yes, I really am a cunt. Fucking idiot. Like I have some kind of a problem of being perfect or happy. Like twelve years ago in flute lessons I always played everything a little badly, in case the teacher thought I was good, better than I actually was, and expected too much. When I translated a few years ago Cicero's letters. I did a few mistakes in every letter, so that the teacher would't think I was a natural or something. I guess that's the reason why I have never, from 7 years old, spoken in class. What I said to myself, if I answered in the question I knew the answer, I would've been speaking the whole time, and nobody else wouldn't be able to show their talent. And, of course, I didn't want to be the nerd loser. But if you have been teaching to stifle yourself your whole life, how can you start having conversations in seminars?
The annoying part is, that in exams and essays I absolutely must have the very best result, why settling for good if there's a possibility of being the best? Why settling for anything, that's quitting, not caring?


Roomie, and my favourite colour isn't red...

I've been fighting to get a social life. Really fighting. That's why I joined the student organization, became it's president and have been 3 years iternational tutor. Now I desided it's not necessary over but on a break. From now on I will concentrate on school and work, if I can find one. It's not working. When I concentrate on finding friends, not only is it failing but my school is also suffering. So if I study hard, I'll get better marks, teachers start to like me again, I'll have a change to get a job. And being so happy and radiating the good feeling around people will start to be drawn to me and think this is a person worthy of getting to know. And if not, I'll start fighting again. At this point it's useless.

Christmassy

Christmas blog starting...
Once more Christmas is over. Three fighting filled days with four days trying to forget the anger so that people don't blame me for ruining christmas (2 years ago 7 days of fighting, not funny at all, although I was right!). Why the fight? The same reason that all fights after I came back from Rome; the DVD player that my mom refuses to fix and doesn't let me fix either, and that bloody book researche thingy! After yelling my mother finally took the player to the shop, from where a new one will possibly come ib 2 weeks. That's quite brilliant because someone in this building has started to watch internet tv and mine works now only before 1pm. Only problem is that I'm in Turku, and I won't go home to get the player before summer. About the book, mother swore about information she had found from the archives. I wanted to make sure because, because she's really smart, she hadn't marked the archive numbers to the notes. Well, there wasn't any information, my mom can't read apparently. Luckily I was able to make a fool out of "her" by yelling in the middle of the office!



That wasn't my real reason here. The real was that I watched Skins season4. Just now I finished the last 2 episodes, and trying not to make spoilers, I was shocked. I keep repeating What the fuck, ans I don't understand. How can you end a season like that?!! What makes it worse is that now they show the 5th season with totally different cast. Cunts. Buut anyways, I've been wondering Freddie. For some reason he looks to me Indian(?!) but as the wikipedia (and surname) tells us he's Italian. Weird... One reason may be his sister, who looks Indian to me. Well actually she's partly Filipino. My race radar seems to be as rotten as my famous gay radar. A guy can go to gay parade and see Lady Gaga, and take us to the best gay club in town, and still be just a little eccentric heterosexual art historian, right?



I was a little worried about the DVD player, because I was sort of worried I would get a DVD for present. I had been raving over the 2002 Count of Monte Christo and just a week before Christmas over 3rd season of Robin Hood. Well, as it turned out, my fears didn't come true. I got a stresstoy cranate, which is awful. I pressed it once and it drome me grazy! I estimate it to have a lifespan of one week before I tear it to pieces with my teeth. Then I got decoration lamps to my window. Good because I only had three before. (Electric pollution!). But I guess I can't complain, I gave everyone underpants.

Hurricane Katia's prisonnier

I'm booored. No, I'm just sort of flowing. I haven't written in a long time. Frist reason was that at work, week before end, happenesd the worst accident, my greatest nightmare, and not to me, I was just there, it was pure accident, awful, awful... I'll never go there again. It was so horrible I couldn't write.

Then school started, and in 10 days I'll be going to Italy. Busy, busy... And once more, my friend stood me up. Luckily the new exchange student from Croatia seems nice. So I'm not as depressed as last year. I mean she hasn't gone out with me, but at least she wanted, before it started raining...
And the Italy, I really yelled to my mother today, and the week before, and before, because I'm really stressed. It messes out everything! We have one holiday week, and it's the week after I come back, so no help. And my computer is shit as always, today I finally ordered a shitty new one, I hope my logic of waiting worse, result better is still on...

And final breaking point was when they reminded today, remember to take your ISIC cards with almoust a smily face at the end. FUCK OFF! You order us to go to museums, it sure is your job to get us discounts. Why the fuck couldn't they've told that like 2 weeks before?... Cunts. So, it's not even a big problem, I've never needed it, but for some reason I went completely crazy. Like my whole life broke down because I don't have international student card. Oh my god, wow!



Now I'm supposed to write a letter in French. I was listening to Jacques Dutroc's Les Playboys and wrote a letter in that sense, but now I have a hard time to sent it to my teacher... God I'm an idiot.

Yesterday we went, my and my sister, to watch Midnight in Paris. It almoust didn't happen, we had again a fight about sematics, entertaining for the bookstore audience. But I had waited it for 5 hours and she ovbiously wanted to see something so we went. Oh my wet knickers! I fell in love with the trailer but it tells you nothing of the movie. The movie was straight from my heart, (except the dating of Pari's Golden Age...). It was full of cliché, but so fucking what? And the whole theatre almost shared my view, it was brilliant, Adrian Brody is a vision!
Go see it if you love Paris, go see it if you just want to see something, go see it even if you hate Woody Allen, like I do, but like Vicky Christine Barcelona, which was also amaizing. Only thing bad about it was the once more american view and american accent, but luckily it was so full of surprises that I forgot it. And of course the Golden age is Belle Époque, thank you.



Now I'm listening Angel in the Night on repeat, thank you and good night, except pictures I have to add here...

Crossroads

Things aren't going well at present, work sucks, it's boring, almost unpaid, and most of all not what I was promised. More over, I was given some extra work for the last week and I had to cancel almost all Erasmus students, even the french boy! More over, because of the Italy thing I had to cancel one course which now may be cancelled all together, and the courses that have the lectures at the time of Italy cannot be replaced. So things really blow. My mother just think God wants to test my want for Italy and that I must go there, even if every problem would be solved in staying here. I mean I can't even get work because I'm here only 3 weeks before Italy, and I only have like 500€ left...


Rauma Museum paperdoll exhibition, almost anatomical iron age hunter

And still my computer is at a breaking point and the DVD player doesn't like to work either. On a plus side, I saw the girl who has wanted to go to Rome a long time, and I had the pleasre to see her mad face when announcing my news!... But anyway, it has been so long since I've seen anyone that I'm quite happy now. I hope that she will get to museology so that I could have one friend more. She made a very brave decision to take a year off of journalist school. I envy her courage, even if she's quite depressed about it. I read her blog in which she complains how everything is going bad, how she's so depressed and goes to see therapist and how she meets everyday at least two diffrent groups of friends and have fun (and try to forget the bad things) and travel around Finland to see other friends... FUCK YOU! How dare anyone complain about bad things if one has friends as much as she does? My best friend is my sister with whom I meet once every 3 weeks and usually we fight. This girl is possibly my second best friend with whom I meet every 6 months when both are holding a little back, because our history...


Nice uniform for a little girl... Note, it's not a swastika, it's got "shorter arms"

Actually I was meant to write only good things today but it seems I failed... But at least that's over and done with. It seems that now I'm in a crossroads, I have no idea what will happen next, what ever decision I make there is nothing to show what the outcome might be, no idea... But all in all, it's quite relaxing, I can't predict the future, so I have no reason to be scared. Life will change, but who's to say it's a bad thing?

CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE DID IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WE DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Sweden's first goal, we did 6 more!!!!!!!!!!
First game, 0-0. Second, Sweden 1, and just before break Finland 1-1.
Third, Finland 1-2, 45 seconds later 1-3.
Then 1-4, I was screaming "they are not even tryig any more!"
1-5 I wasn't screaming any more, and 1-6 I started crying and yelling "stop the game, this isn't worth the attempt any more!" That was just a slaughter. The main game was really good, both fighting with blood in their mouth, but then Sweden just gave up.

Last time I was this happy was in 1995 when Finland was world champion the first time.Only team we lost was Republic of Czech, Sweden lost to Norway!



The real reason I was crying was because I'm sitting here on my sofa alone. What use it is to be so happy when I'm alone? there's no life alone! Only fucking social relationship is Facebook. And that is to like what others write... I was planning to go outside to see people celebrating but now I don't want to torture myself. What use...



Funny thing that Sweden's goalkeeper was the best player of the games?!!! 1995 the opposing team was Sweden also, so that's cool. Another nice thing is that there was no same players anymore in the team.
I feel like I've been drinking half the night somewhere, I need something balancing...

New home

Yesterday I moved into my new home. Unfortunetelly, not impressed. It's so small I told my family not to bring lots of stuff; but now it looks like an empty room. Funny, I think all the time bad things, it this really a bad place or is the weather getting to me? The fridge smells weird, I'm too scared to put stuff in it, and so does the cupboards, so all food is still in the table. Stupid fridge. Bathroom is ugly, only one pathetic shelf. And the floor is brownish grey. It really looks like boy's room. But the worst thing is this horrible wind. Up the window there are wholes for ventilation. Unfortunatelly they don't close so I'm freezing! Yesterday there were really weird people going past my windows, which are, once more, towards north. 90% of people close curtains when seeinf the sun, but still I always get the north window. And the worst is, that for like 4 years, like ages 2-6 I slept in an eastern room (although there were trees in front of it), so I can't even be martyr! If only there will be warm soon... And there's only white walls, white cupboards, everythin gwhite, with no lists or hooks to put pictures...

Nobody

Now prepare: I will feel sorry for myself once more!
Today, (or yesterday) was St Patrick's day. Should be fun, but... First I saw a show with an injured cow which had to be shot, and that started me thinking about our sweet dog, Risto Paha, who about 10 years ago was driven over by our neighbour and left to the field to suffer until in the evening he had the courage to tell us, but it was too late. He had to be put down. He was funny dog, half badger dog and half beagle; he was like a metre long sausage! Now I cry again...

But better to cry about that than the second thing. I mean I know a lot of Irish music, I play tin whistle. And I was in Scotland and stuff. Most of my friends, I know, are really interested about those two things. And what really hurts me is that no one asks me about it, nobody cares. Why they rather read a book or something than ask me, their friend?! I mean I kept my visit to Paris as a secret from my family, when I was back home, because nobody asked me what I had been doing and where I had been. They say they didn't want to bother me, because I didn't seem to want to talk. It seems incredible that people can't understand that someone would like to feel wanted. One girl, who I thought was a good friend, hadn't even noticed that I had been a year away! So much for friendship. I really hate the thing when people say, it's really nice to see you, we should meet and go for a coffee or something. Nowdays I've started to answer to that: yeah right... Maybe that's not such a good idea, but I want them to understand not to speak stuff they don't mean. The whole truth is not always such a good idea, but don't lie. Raising hopes is much worse. You cunts. I'm much happier lying here on my floor alone writing a blog text about you in the middle of the night.



Oh, and that reminds me couple more complaints. I met a nice italian girl, from whom I tried to fish an invitation to a party, whish she had like 4 times a week. I felt my world collapsing, when I saw from fb that she had had a party with like 100 people, whom she certainly didn't know all, and at least 20 finnish. Nobody would even have noticed me in there, then why not?!! Another time I decided to act myself. I tried to organise an evening out, but half of the people were sick and then the others found out, I was the only one they would meet, they became tired. The next time, the other way around, the third, they were all sick... After that I didn't try any more... I chose to be a tutor because Im so lonely and that was the only way for me to meet people, when I had to talk to people. And now, this term, I wasn't even given any. Brilliant! Society's way of saying, it doesn't matter how much you try, I
you don't fit, then you don't fit.

I will continue of Barcelona soon!

Anger management... and a wee bit of luuv

Gosh I was angry on Wednesday! The reason for this: unbearable disappointment and feel of rejection. I've been asking my sister to go to abroad with me for years, but she never has money. When I finally got our mother to understand that my head's blowing if I don't get a holiday, she promised to give money to her. But apparently travelling with your sister requires a sister fee, 'bout 10 000 €. (yes, and mother disappointed me too, promising to go before christmas, at christmas and after, lying of course). And now my sister had the nerve ask me to meet her so she can tell me about her plans to go travelling with her friend! As I've always said, if you want to do something, money or time is no object. She ovbiously didn't want to go with me but was too scared to say it to my face. I've heard this before, from my friends. Maybe I'm a little fiery when angered, but I would think it's much better to face little anger now than torture the other sometimes for years, because the anger will only grow. One thing I can't stand is cowardice, especially if people lie about you behing your back when they are too scared to speak their own mind. (Thank you Eveliina for destroying my friendships, place in our student union and my self confidence, still hasn't recovered). Cunts.

So I decided to take a break from people, at least for 2 weeks. And I WILL GO on our break week at the beginning of march. SO MAKE SURE I GO! If you want to do something, you have to do it yourself. Fuck others. I just saw a "good" friend. She said to me, we should meet someday of some coffee or something. I replied (of course behind her back cause I'm a coward) Yeah right, I'm sure.



Back to the real subject of my writing. I watched today Los Serranos tv-series, and was stunned by the happiness I felt while listening it's theme uno mas uno son siete. That was really happy summer when I listened it for the first time. Too bad I couldn't remember the year. Is it so long since I've had a happy summer? Another thing: I listened today some Phantom of the Opera music, and then I listened the song All I ask of you. Oh My God! ven greater memories. I've probably told about the one boy on my class. This is what happened: I listened this song at home, nad then left to the party of his. There one girl sung quietly a song, which I recognised as being the phantom. I of course joined, not very wel because I didn't know the lyrics. We went to a bar and came back, me sleeping at his place, ON THE SOFA, you perverts! Then I walked home in slush and sung All I ask of you, and then I walked back to city centre to buy eye shadow to my sister which I had broken. Never did I knew he would call me the next day... But anywho, I have really warm feelings towards that song than I had when I fell in love with it the first time.
Am I or am I not manic-depressive?!!!



Raoul, way more macho than that cape guy!

I want

I want friends
I wannt closeness
I want kindness
I want fun
I want someone to ask what I've been doing
and to ask followup questions
I want to go dancing
I want a job
I want hope
I want reason
I want to be healthy
I want to be like everyone else
I want everything to be good again
I want mother to get work
I want mother to get friends
I want mother to stop going alone to Lapland
I want love
I want respect
I want someone to want my body
I want someone to want my mind
I want someone to want to be with me
I want someone to want to get coffee with me
I want someone to ask me to do something with them
I want someone to answer YES to my question
I want that someone to keep their promise
I don't want to be alone
I don't want to cry
I don't want to be depressed
I don't want to be scared
I don't want to stage like I've been out
I don't want to leave around empty beer bottles
which I've been pouring to the sink
or take my key off the door
and wake up early the next morning to put it back
I want to go out once a week
I want to talk to people at least 5 times a week
I want at least 2 groups of friends who don't know each other
I want to lose my virginity in some drunken night to very goodlooking and skillful bloke whoI won't ever see again
I want to have at least 3 boyfriends before I get engaged
I want someone to contact me saying they
admire my work and would I work for them
I want to live in old stone building in city centre,
the kind of building in which everyone want's to visit me
I want people to understand I may not be beautiful but my dimples are the cutest in the world
I want them want to surprise me
I want them to remember stuff about me
I want them to care about what's happening to me
I want them to call me

School starts, blaah!

Dear reader, yes I'm still in school. I've been in school for 18 fucking years! And I want to get out! This is sick! Well, actually I'm not in school, I'm in university with lectures and everything "grown-up". Yeah, that worked the first years. Last year I made my Bachelor thesis and I'm absolutely exhausted! Never again!!! Unfortunately I still have my master's 10x longer thesis to do... and of course I'm sick of all the thinking and wondering and want to do something real, which means polytechnic or such and four extra years! Oh my God! I'll be 40 when I finish if I won't die of ulcer first...My mom says most of my problems are caused by thinking uni as school... says high school drop-out...



My plan is to do some shit this autumn and then search every place to find an apprendiceship. Tried last spring already, but didn't get any. Maybe I reached too high, tried to get in Finland's London and Paris cultural embassy, riiight, 3000 applicants... But one is certain, I can't study whole next year, this summer was again summer school. Plus I need money! Goverment student money ends in 6 months and then I have nothing and I must move home, where there's no jobs available.

To sum it all, I'm in shit. My mom's in shit, my grandmom and -dad are gone, this has been one sick summer. And I don't have any friends!!! Okay, don't go there again. You're own fault. Even my grandmother, the alive, asked my mother do I have a problen with her and the (now dead) grandfather, because I'm so scared of them to speak. Plus I wanted them to understand I was depressed when I wasn't speaking. Obviously didn't work... So in the end I'm alone. My mom always says everything will be ok, wait 6 months... HELP ME! Plus the girl who asked me to go to Europe, hasn't said anything after I answered yes please.



Everyone has these kind of days. This should clear the air, if not, it will be autumn soon, the season of new beginnings, new students and possibly friends, and most of all the incredible smell of autumn. My favourite season!