Alea iacta est

It's finally here, the wailing update! For a while now I've been feeling pretty bad here, since the other guys are always watching movies or something together and I'm never invited. I've hoped, already in the last course, that it's because I live here in isolation in upper most room. However, none other living here has any problems, so it's me. I got to say I'm really hurt I'm never invited. First I thought it was onlybecause you should be in the kitchen and they invite everyone there, but one time I and other guy were in kitchen and he got invitation, not I. I went there any way, and it was quite shit. Horrible being somewhere where you haven't been invited.



Last week we did a trip to Campania. It was exhausting. First it was shit, then fine, then again shit. Why can't it be shit all the time, so I could just give up?! We had to live 3 persons in one room, 2 in another. What a surprise, I was isolated with that weird girl, who isn't any way more weird than I, but I still want better, I deserve all I can get. I thought they should've ask us what we want to do, but of course if they want to be together, they should. In Naples we were isolated from others in another corridor, and I was so scared we wouldn't be asked to do anything with them. But at Salerno we were opposite the boys, and still they climed to upper floor to be with the other girls without knocking our door. We were the "good girls", who shouldn't be messing with the others.



Yesterday we made plans in Capitolium museums to meet at 1 pm to have lunch. Us two waited 20 minutes, when I got an sms to say they went to lunch and if we wanted we should follow them. I "knew" (in my sick mind) that there was something afoot, but the other girl, so innocent, didn't think anything weird and wanted to follow. Apparently they'd being eating quite a while when we got there, the one girl just said oh, sorry about that. Fucking cunts. And yesterday they went all out to eat together, without us two, and today to see the new pope. I think at least the pope is so big a deal they should've asked us.




The problem with the other girl is, that she, for some reason, when we stand in a circle, moves in fornt of me, pushing me out of the circle. I don't know if the others even notice it, at least no one does anything. I could always try to find a new hole to go into, but that would mean I should bring something to the ring, but I just take. I can't speak. Now maybe I should abandon any hopes I've had about getting friends and start living full life alone. But yet I rather stay here than go back home being totally alone. Here at least some people say chiao for me.



Weather isn't really cheering me up. First picture is from trip back from Etruria, second a picture from my room, third is from Cosa, and last, a little sunshine, from Ravello in Amalfi coast.

When in Rome, drink what the Romans drink

I'm again in Rome, I didn't die on the way in here! I had two bad lucks, and so I was waiting for the 3rd, which happened quite early so I didn't have to be afraid the whole day. Firstly, I gained a body security check on the airport. With clothes on. I'm so embarrased, but my thights have experienced so unexisted action, that I would be happy to get the check again, as soon as possible thank you.
Secondly, I got again this shitty room, but it's ok, they have finally put on the radiator. Unfortunatelly the internet is bad here. Waiting for the 3rd unlu ckiness didn't last long, for when we went to grocery store and restaurant, I forgot my money and had to start borrowing money. And it continued few days on...



I started a new way of living: never think the next day. That meant no refusal of alcohol. It didn't take until the second day when I learned the lesson the hard way. First we had welcome drinks at the head of institut's flat, I have never said no to sparkling wine, so I had like 3 at least. Of course I hadn't eaten so I could eat the welcome dinner. At the restaurant I had few white wines. The situation wasn't helped by the director, who liked a drink and liked the people next to her to drink too.



Of course I followed the others for a drink into a place, where at first we had to wait a minute outside the door, which was then slammed at our face (what were they hiding?...). I wanted to go because it was my first experience with water pipe. It was also my last, because I became really sick and left early (like 12pm!). I somehow got myself to institut without problems, by talking to the girl who wanted to go to sleep,but here I begun to empty my stomack in the toilet and then in my room. It could've been food or alcohol poisoning, but I blame the tobacco. Nice night cleansing of toilet and quickly perfume before the others returned. Luckily it saved me from hangover. The only good thing.



No surprise I passed vine the next day, except the delicious risotto we made. But today I desided to join the wagon again, we ate at an Etruscan area, at Vulcii in a countryside restaurant, whatever they called it, and had wild pork with pappardelli. We had local vine, red, which was my choise, was apparently not so good, little do I know, all reds taste like shit, but they don't give a headache like white. At the end we were asked about coffee (espresso). I said yes, because I wanted to drink something. Then we were given digestive, restaurant's own amaro, which tasted little like licquirice (how the hell do you write it) and I liked it very much. First experience, some didn't like it, so maybe it wasn't good. Unfortunatelly I hadn't noticed the limoncello at the other end of the table, and it being my favourite, I had that too. No problem yet...



Tomorrow we have free time, or library working. I thought of going to buy Italian grammar and some book, if its not going to rain. These books in here are boring. Now I've been watching Persuasion 2007(?) and its music videos.

The year 2012

I saw my friend making a listing of her year, and I thought to do the same. Although I'm not sure if its going to be a bit too dark...

January:
Well, the exchange girls came, I saw only one, who was nice. In the end they kept in contact only when in trouble, so I decided to stop tutoring. I started as a president, which was scary as hell, because the former one, on whom I had trusted to help me, made a disappearance act.

February:
I redid some exams, and I moved a friend, that I actually hate, to her new apartment in order to return to the friend zone. It didn't work, however. Her new apartment is so far away and I'm so scared of people, that it didn't seem worth to go so far just to peek through the window. Also my sister, at whose place I could've slept, wasn't home.

March:
Sometime this time I had my 2 job interviews. First one went ok, I didn't get it, second was that horrible group interview, during which the leader didn't watch me in the eyes after handshake. Well, I've met her before, and she reeally has something against my looks, probably. Maybe she has tried to straighten her hair all her life and just boiled over seeing my straight hair.

April:
Vappu. I asked my Croatian friend to come with me, and she came! Only problem, she wanted to go home for the night. Also I did my thesis presentation, which went so wrong I couldn't even have guessed. I asked my teacher to give me heads up, because I panic, and she betrayed me, she threw me to the wolfs, she being the queen of the wolfs.

May:
Farewell party! The first time after Scottish 2009 spring that I ended up into a bar! And it was great, although she danced hours, and I had my slippery shoes. In addition I did my Spanish exam and only then heard it was my last Spanish, I was in shock. I had studied it only few short years!

June:
I studied, trying to survive on the icy balcony. I thing its really unfair, that on this building the southern balconies were empty and still I'm not allowed to change apartments. Also this was the first time I've done anything during the Midsummer night's eve. I walked with my friend, although, once more, she wanted to go home for the night. Also we had our Dark Ages Fare, after which my friend hugged me loooong and left back to Croatia.

July:
A surprise visit! My friend from Scotland, Belgian girl came to Finland and wanted to see me. Problem was that she under estimated the distances. Yes, I know that it took you only 6 hours to drive to your cabin, but it will take me 24 hours on a bus you see there's surprisingly no straight bus lines to the "grand northern forest". And yes, in Finland we have more than one forest, can you please say the name of the nearest town... Well, we decided to meet in Helsinki, the duration was to last 20 minutes in MacDonalds, the train cost me 30€, but no biggies...
The good thing was that I visited National Library and got some books, which I still haven't read.

August:
I was at home picking berries and making juice to last the whole winter, I didn't know I wouldn't be home the whole winter... Also I had studied the whole summer for the French entrance exam, but did the Italian one and got in. Shite!

September:
Went to a job interview into a fastfood restaurant, and didn't get the job. How sad is that! So I decided to study, study, study...

October:
I was already behind in studying. Italian is soo difficult. I have no change to make my thesis.

November:
My student society is falling apart because of our 10 years anniversary. My so called friend decided to open up on the public email. This wasn't the first time I've regretted asking her to join us. But fortunately our yearly society meeting went well and we even got ourselves a new board!

December:
Our anniversary party was amaazing! I could talk the whole time, I could change groups and still there was no problem. Even with boys! The sparkling wine didn't help my studying the next day. Exams came and went, some well, some so bad I can't even tell... And Christmas holiday; 10 days without studying, a heaven. Once again atmosphere was bad, and people were sick, but whatever.

Crying like the Weather

I think one of the worst parts of being alone is not to have anyone to comfort you when you're upset. Like a moment ago, when I broke my full plate of blueberry pie and vanilla on the floor. If there had been somebody else in here, he/she could've hugged me and say its ok, there's still plenty of pie and sauce left and the plate was the first of its kind to break. On the other hand he could be swearing and I'd be doing the comforting. But, as I'm here alone, I fell to my knees and cried.

Sunday's traditional crying day. Before I cried the worst day of my life, when that girl (who btw was just on tv crying her suicide attempts, there goes any symphaty for me), who kicked me out of our group and friendships. I had to raise up and yell "I've been happy since that, I've been happy since that!". That's true, a year after one of our friends, who I had never really talked, invited ME to be with HER and 2 GUYS, and a lot of times, she didn't get bored with me! I may have told about it, many times, but there's not so much happening that I could give new material. Anyhow, it all ended when I went abroad. It's amazing, how one of your own dreams destroys everything good. I guess you should never go after your dreams but to take the world as it comes. If it comes. I'm afraid that ship has already sailed.

I've been putting off writing here, because I wanted to have some news. Well, now I guess I have. I didn't get the job at fast food restaurant, those bloody beta bloggers failed me, what's the point of not being scared when you're sitting alone playing stupid computer games? I didn't get into Brussels or Rome internships, either. The worst part is that now I can never apply to Rome, because I got into finals and now they know me. That's what I hate about job interview. Afterwards they know you and know exactly why you're not worth it. You're never going to be asked again. Last spring I had an interview to the best workplace, well, that's over now...

However, there's one place I got into, I guess, I've had no information for the last month or so. A 3 month course at Rome next spring! There are more problems than good points. One, I can't do any of my courses. Also I was fed up with ruins in month last year, what about three months?! But, now the weather will be going towards better, not worse, that might help. I have found, that you can never do something twice, the second always sucks. That's why I'm really afraid... Lastly, but definitely not lastly, there's only going to be 2 boys, from which the other is gay. What changes do I have against 4 other girls?! But I hope the girls are going to be as nice as last time. Although there's going to be 2 pairs and me. Last time I finally ended up with pairs to an outgoing girl. What if there's going to be 2 outgoing, and 2 silent ones? How in the world can I make friends with the firsts? Only reason last time was that she had no other company but me.

The pillerist

I had the great problem of what to start studying. Well, I made the decision based on the amount of culture in curriculums, and the answer was italian. Sad, because I've always wanted to learn french, but I think I've got better changes to get in Rome than in Paris to do my apprendiceship. For France I should start art history as well. Not that I wouldn't like it, but I just don't have time. For some stupid reason both languages want us to study nearly all basic studies during autumn (like 22 from 25 etcs). Besides italian started to intrigue me more and more. Well, the entrance exam is 2 weeks from now, we'll know more after that.

Right now the biggest problem is that again I can't turm my head to the right. I was stupid enough to Play flute crouching in a chair, after which I looked at a fly in the window.
Hope it'll be okay by wednesday. I finally asked a doctor's appointment to get some beta blockers for my body, because this is getting ridiculous. I got only 400€ on my account, so I got to find work asap. And that's where pills come in. I've always sworen that I won't tough pills, but then again that's what's what I said about bank loans... Hopefully I will get better and find my life again. It's really awful to be a prison of a body. I just have to keep quiet about it, or else the doctor refuses pills and sends me to a shrink.

I've been reading Agatha Christie's Moving Finger, whis I think is the best novel of her's. The trick is that it's in italian, I bought it from Rome. I do with it the same proven technique that has worked with English, French and Swedish; the first book in a foreign language should be so familiar in my own language so that I don't get lost.
I like the book because the story is ( in my mind) that a handsome, clever man sees an ackward, out-of-place girl who looks younger than her age, and falls in love with her in any case. Of course she's not tall and dark but small and blonde, what are you thinking?!!

The pictures are our small lambs. We had them 11, but one unfortunately died.

Life is nothing more than a quick succession of busy nothings

Ooo it seems to be over a month since I last wrote here. I guess its because I haven't had anything really good or bad. Or maybe yes, but I've just tried to read stuff for my thesis, not succeeding, but I have to try, since I don't have work. So no holiday this summer.

I've also have been making big plans about next year. Of course I was supposed to work and quickly in the evenings write my thesis into Laudatur, but I really want to take French into a minor, so maybe I could get work there. But the best chanbge for work is Villa Lnate, so I should take also Italian. And one mustn't forget the every second year Museology courses. And I really should learn Swedish properly. Oh and the fucking Virgil! So I have my plate full. The probleme is money. I'm not gonna cry it again, but its always in my mind, how my mother ruined my life. And that's awful I feel even more sick of that thought than the money thought. Reality is, that its impossible (for somebody like me) to get payed job, and that's why I had lived 5 years in macaroni to save money, which my mother... I'm soo awful! but I've decided that next autumn I go to Health Centre to ask some beta blockers and try them out. This is ridicule. Who isn't chosen to be tooilet cleaner?!!!

Some more bad news. Nada's gone. I felt like a love sick puppy, she left her clothes and stuff here and I've been sniffing them. We didn't do much, once a forthnight a lunch, and only one time party. But that, I think, is what set her apart. Last time I was in a party was 3 years ago, fiesta latina at Aberdeen with the Swedish girl; which actually was the only party that spring (I'm not counting ta ceilidh, which sucked. James was quite horrible, luckily she's broken up with him). That autumn I partied a lot, and actually the girl, or one of them, is coming to Finland! Don't know exactly when, in a few days, she didn't say exactly. And even more interesting was the location: Northern forest. Hmmm... Finland is quite bigger and has a few forests more than Belgium, pick a map! But if it happens it should be an adventure. The probleme is that I'm a pessimist (OMG no way!). We talked with Nada about Monkeying 2-3 months, and it didn't happen.

Then I have one more topic: football. But unfortunatelly its again negative. WC games I was for Spain from the start, and so I was now. But unfortunately my time in Italy and 2006 made me root for them as well. So I was in a bit of a dead end on the final last Sunday. Two minutes before the game started, I made my choice: since the last game I saw was Italy-Germany, which the pretty team won, and Spanish apparently are quite good, I choose Italians. What a catastrophe! But, something of a sun ray came to view; my favorite El Niño made a goaaal! He's so cute!

I don't like this new Blogger profile

And then to other news: This has been quite a week. Last of April and first of May are not ordinary Finnish days. People drink and yell and laugh and generally have fun. I have been part of that only once. The Vappu 2006, first year of university. It was amazing, and the most important reason why I grieve the loss of my old computer and pictures. They were a proof, that I have lived, that I have actually had fun, even if it was only for 2 days. Before I went to Aberdeen, I had some of the worst times ever, but also really good times. I had friends, who invited me to parties, and I found myself to be an integral part of a small group, which was something I would've never thought could happen to me. Then I went to exchange and broke my computer, into which I had been stupid enough to leave all my photos, even though music I had put into a memory stick. When I came back, there was no one left. Nobody spoke to me. I'm completely alone. I don't even have photographs to prove what happened before. Maybe it's better, maybe now I can forget and stop being jealous for myself. But I'd still want them back.

Wrong subject; I was supposed to speak this Vappu. Well, finally, after many years of trying I found a person to accompany me to celebrations. So on Monday we went to put our student caps on and watch the washing of a naked lady, and on tuesday we went for a picpic and after to funfare. I even got my sister to join us, which I had been trying to do for ages. And then on Thursday we finally managed to go to a party, thank God because it was Farewell Party, last one this year. And on Friday shopping. All in all, really busy, lot of walking and tired, tired, tired.

The only problem was, that I was really depressed, quite frankly pissed off the whole week. I don't even know why! It happens in certain time of the month, but it wasn't that time. The only conclusion I made was, that I just don't want to be happy. I don't really want what I think I want. Even though I had wished for the whole year to get my sister and Nada together (the only friends I have), I wasn't happy; they started to talk and talk, I have it really hard to speak when I'm alone with one of them, but when they start to talk to each other, not even needing me to answer, No change. Besides my shortness gave problems...

And in the fare I wanted to go to machines, I went into one, but couldn't do it again, I didn't realise how much it scared me, and it made me so ashamed, not actually scared, just mortified how pathetic I was. And the there were these 2 young dudes standing in front of me. Sister and Nada were worried that they bothered me. How sad little girl they think I am not to be able to handle a few 14 years olds with their baby brother with them?!

What else to complain... On Wednesday I was just lying in bed whole day and Thursday everything was going bad. My only experience of a vomit hangover was when I hadn't drunk so much, just really pissed off at everybody. So I was truly waiting for the worst, but I had to go; I had been waiting for it for the last 3 and a half years, I must go. So I went; and it was ok; I was really rusty in dancing, and I was a bit upset, my friend having boyish hair and clothes, me wearing high heels and deep cleavage, and she getting all the attention, but as the evening went on, I got a few followers too, so it wasn't a complete waste of time. All's alright now, I feel ok. I would like to have a job, though...