Winter evening

Hah, it happened again! Now I guess it'll be no longer an accident, but a fact. I don't go to parties. The heaven for me would be drinks, shouting, singing, music, dancing, talking, embarrasing truths, strange places to wake up and easy breathing. Yesterday was a party. A party in which I was invited to, by a person I don't necessary like but a person who likes to drink, dance and stuff. In her place it always smells weird and she has that killer cat, but anyhow, I wanted to go! There was people, maybe a bit different, but to mend that I was planning to bring there my Offida vine. There most likely would have been a girl I liked, and maybe a boy I kind of liked and who had liked me and that was a change for him to remember what was so likeable about me. And a possibility of having a boy, whom I've seen in courses and stuff and it would have been a change for him to get to know me. But, in the end, I didn't go. The reason, after having my dinner I would only had 2 hours before, and my stomache would have hurt to be in a rush.


Christmas presents for the familii

Yes, I really am a cunt. Fucking idiot. Like I have some kind of a problem of being perfect or happy. Like twelve years ago in flute lessons I always played everything a little badly, in case the teacher thought I was good, better than I actually was, and expected too much. When I translated a few years ago Cicero's letters. I did a few mistakes in every letter, so that the teacher would't think I was a natural or something. I guess that's the reason why I have never, from 7 years old, spoken in class. What I said to myself, if I answered in the question I knew the answer, I would've been speaking the whole time, and nobody else wouldn't be able to show their talent. And, of course, I didn't want to be the nerd loser. But if you have been teaching to stifle yourself your whole life, how can you start having conversations in seminars?
The annoying part is, that in exams and essays I absolutely must have the very best result, why settling for good if there's a possibility of being the best? Why settling for anything, that's quitting, not caring?


Roomie, and my favourite colour isn't red...

I've been fighting to get a social life. Really fighting. That's why I joined the student organization, became it's president and have been 3 years iternational tutor. Now I desided it's not necessary over but on a break. From now on I will concentrate on school and work, if I can find one. It's not working. When I concentrate on finding friends, not only is it failing but my school is also suffering. So if I study hard, I'll get better marks, teachers start to like me again, I'll have a change to get a job. And being so happy and radiating the good feeling around people will start to be drawn to me and think this is a person worthy of getting to know. And if not, I'll start fighting again. At this point it's useless.