Embarrasing dream

Very well. I'll tell it. T'was too embarrasing to tell to my friends, and even to the other protagonist of that dream, but maybe the whole world is trustworthy enough. The world is famous of it's sensitiveness.
Actually there's nothingh to tell, I know why I had it and it made me feel good, so so what?! I just went to the home of an italian girl and took my clothes of and then that girl came in, also without clothes, and then her possibly italian boy(friend) and then another boy. And the whole plot was for me to invent a good enough reason to explain my being in there, naked... Maybe the more embarrasing thing was to meet her today, they have a habit of hugging and kissing, fanntastic! No action in teh dream, alas.

The more ackward moment today: how to get out of a building, when the front door is crowded by a faculty, which you have cowardly abandonned? Classics are really scary people! There was a girl who came to ask me who to find another route, because she didn't want to pass them. Especially the alcoloh it their glasses was a sign of danger. One could have got a CIL on one's head! [=Thickest books mankind has created, could not find a picture.]

Speaking of thick books, I borrowed Sword Shannara Trilogy in one edition. Mistake! It's impossible to read in bead, it flattens one's head when arms get tired.

On Monday was Finnish Independence Day. I wondered a long time what would be better name for it. Birthday od Finland? No, Finland's like a thousand years older (than 93). Birthday of Republic? No, Governing was democratic from the end of all-Russian General Strike in 1906. Maybe birthday of independence? Finland wasn't united before Sweden occupied it in 13th century. That's it! Now that rings a bel... damned! That's the official name! Like I've said, University doesn't require brains!


The Miracle of Winter War, oh la la!

Short history of Finland: Stone Age: people from Ural mountains, then from germanic and Scandinavian tribes. Nice, tribal living until evil Sweden decides to make crusades and take Finland. Little slow livind as buffer against Russia until Napoleon wants Russia to attack Sweden, through Finland of course. 1809 Occupated by Russia, but actually gained autonomy which was never here during the Swedish! Then, Russian revolutions in 1917 and Independence through our Government on 6th of December. Then civil war. Quite funny, Independence is celebrated by Second World War movies! Victory over Russia strengthened our independence (or did it?...Kekkonen...) What was I trying to explain?

Finnish cultural tradition: unlike probably all other nations Finland celebrated independence day in a grave mood. War movies, military parades, candles to the grave of unknown soldier (of 2nd WW, first WW was civil war, too biased). One thing I like is 2 white and blue candles in window. Only again I noticed me living in too a leftist hippie and middle eastern area, my window was the only one with candles. I'm Finnish and I won't change my nationality. Finnish passport is good enough, actually at least better than some Norwegian Nato passport.



For the finish, I'll tell you that on Wednesday we went to Åbo Svenska Teater, The Swedish language Theatre in Turku to see les Miserables. Both me and my sister agree that Jean Valjean was shite, and Javert ( and Gavroche) stole the show. Cool in this is that I desided it before I knew that Valjean actor was Swedish! Don't know why they had to import singers from Sweden, maybe there's no male sopranos in Finland... Sorry, that was incredible racist! Shame on me! But why can't there be male sopranos, I'm tenor though I'm a girl. But Valjean was in his own class when considering looks. Finnish are a bit... Good musical, although our seats weren't the best our money DID buy and the scene was quite small. But at least we got to taste Finnishswedish Glamour!

East or West, which is best, wtf?

I've found another favourite song. Last year it was Paps'n Skar's La Dance and a dance edit of it. Now it's Basshunter's Angel in the Night, which is increbibly old. First of all it has awesome chords, like that small bit of I Promised myself (how many of us out here / feel the pain of losing what was once there, actually I've no idea how the lyrics go). Any way that's good, I usually always listen only the music, never lyrics. But in this Angel song even the lyrics are amazing! I wish some boy once would sing them to me! "I don't know what I'm gonna do, But I'm so crazy about you"; iik!



I've started to think the times when I've been most happy. When I listen this song, with is bass rhythm, really loud with headphones, I almoust start to cry. But there's still something missing. When I'm at a bar, with hundreds of people around me, all jumping the same beat and singing same lyrics, that's heaven. The whole humankind is one, moves as one. Suddenly you catch the eye of someone you have never seen before. You don't see what he/she looks like, you just smile and he smiles back and you are soulmates as long as you sing that song. This is why I love partying in discotecks. So unintellectuas as bass rhythm is (no intentional insult here, I just mean compared to jazz or Beethoven), it unites people like nothing else.

When you compare Asia and Europe (west), people always say that West is about individuality. Everyone wants to be their own person, no one wants to wear same cloths and everyone want to achieve things on their own merits. East in comparison is about groups, no individuality, society before individuals. It's quite strange for me to look at chinese movies like Hero, where there are thousands of soldiers all looking and behaving the same. (That's not reality, that's only my ignorance and smallminded and boredom). Why we try our best to be individuals, all alone and separate from other people, when we still love to go jump in a crowd? I try my hardest to me me, but still I'm happiest as one of that one being with thousand bodies. I really don't understand the world, but while I'm meditating it, I'll out headphones on and close my eyes to see my tribe.

Autumn Fever

Yes, unfortunately it's true. Might have known that the moment I read the word autumn break in calendar I get sick. I only wish I'm ok tomorrow, I was supposed to go visit home... When I lived with mother or when she visited me all that was needed was a bottle of our own black currant juice and health returned. I bought last year factory made juice and it was awful! Don't you think it's horrible that when you have a cold you feel sick and every remeby, juice, the, fruits, eucalyptus stuff for throat and nose, they are all so sweet and then you truly feel sick! Few years ago I found heavenly food, Knorr chicken and noodle soup and toast. But they don't sell that in Finland, only that disgusting slimy thing.

Another fever I had a while ago, that is two quite adorable males lost their girlfriends. I mean, am I not allowed to rejoice of their unhappiness? Strangely enough, the other, living here, was quite bright looking when meeting me... I think I would answer differently would he ask again. Although, I have had numberless phone calls recently. The other guy, well he's my cousin so there's nothing strange there. I heard every girl is in love with their cousins. By the way, he looks exactly like Mark Feehily form Westlife. Another cousing looks like Backstreet Boys' Brian. Lord I'm lucky! I've never met his girlfriend but I've seen her picture in Facebook and she's old and quite ugly. Good riddens for bad rubbish! After a week/2 weeks he's now hooked again, with the same girl, what a tragedy!!!

But anyway, if you who sent me a text 3-4 years ago would send one again I still wouldn't answer but if you would come to get me, I would come. I wouldn't have changed my mind but I might be little less scared. I still think I would be perfect for you, don't mess with those adolescent girls. At least now I've been practising, and with French men no less!



An article in the museum studies notice board. Translation of finnish: "I want to become a museum curator".

Hoplaa

Yes. Of course it happened. I've complained bloody 10 years nto having a job. And now there's millions of possibilities! Museology, stupid and boring and time consuming as it is, however required 2 apprendiceships. So now I have an excuse to beg work. And I've asked one Finnish museum, they haven't answered yes but they have said maybe. I've contacted Italy, and there's possibility if I'm brave enough to write to the director. And Cimo scholarships are here, London with some celebrations, Paris and some festivals and a new Rome and the lovely Villa Lante! Gosh I was so disappointed not to be able to go there the year before, but I might have change now.


Only thing is to apply. The hardest thing is if I get to Cimo, I can't do museology work. The same thing happened year ago. I was supposed to apply to Cimo and Lante course. I was scared that I would get to both and therefore I didn't apply to course and didn't get to London or Paris either. God I pray I will get to some place and will be extremely happy and healthy. I have to say this year seems much lighter than year ago. Then I hoped to rejoin with my friends and wad disappointed. Now I know I'll be alone so no disappointments! I can do whatever I want to do alone! Except of course when I'm so lonely and ask somebody and she'll rather stay alone than be with me. But no expectations!

I want

I want friends
I wannt closeness
I want kindness
I want fun
I want someone to ask what I've been doing
and to ask followup questions
I want to go dancing
I want a job
I want hope
I want reason
I want to be healthy
I want to be like everyone else
I want everything to be good again
I want mother to get work
I want mother to get friends
I want mother to stop going alone to Lapland
I want love
I want respect
I want someone to want my body
I want someone to want my mind
I want someone to want to be with me
I want someone to want to get coffee with me
I want someone to ask me to do something with them
I want someone to answer YES to my question
I want that someone to keep their promise
I don't want to be alone
I don't want to cry
I don't want to be depressed
I don't want to be scared
I don't want to stage like I've been out
I don't want to leave around empty beer bottles
which I've been pouring to the sink
or take my key off the door
and wake up early the next morning to put it back
I want to go out once a week
I want to talk to people at least 5 times a week
I want at least 2 groups of friends who don't know each other
I want to lose my virginity in some drunken night to very goodlooking and skillful bloke whoI won't ever see again
I want to have at least 3 boyfriends before I get engaged
I want someone to contact me saying they
admire my work and would I work for them
I want to live in old stone building in city centre,
the kind of building in which everyone want's to visit me
I want people to understand I may not be beautiful but my dimples are the cutest in the world
I want them want to surprise me
I want them to remember stuff about me
I want them to care about what's happening to me
I want them to call me

I sogni autunni

Oh my goodness it's a long time not to have written! But there's an explanation; I've been busy! Yes, had few exams, planning next year's curriculum and acting a good tutor for exchange students. God it's exhausting! But like I always tell everyone who complain, there's a choise in everything. I could stop helping other people, but I rather run up and down and be their servants than sit at home and play computer games. Like job hunting. I'm not allowed to complain not finding work, because I could work in telemarketing or like that any time I want. I just choose rather be unemployed! My sister got work as a cleaner, with her law master degree. I couldn't do that. One, I hate those rubber glowes they have to use. Two, I don't have work experience (they rather employ immigrants). Three, I'm a humanist, the most useless profession there is. And four and five, I really don't want to be a cleaner even if I could get the job, and how humiliating it would be to apply and not to get it!


Must think something more interesting to write... I don't have much good news, everything seems t oget worser and worser. But for some reaso I feel much more hopeful and bright than a year ago. I'm gonna fight not to have as bad a year than last year. Good sign was when I asked one friend to come to a fest with me and she said yes!!! I'm not hopeful, people usually turn me down at the last minute, but at least I god a week to feel happy! And one boy who I have never liked much smiled at me, I don't know was it because I felt so happy and smiled brightly at him or what ever, but it made me walk on cloud nine the rest of the day! And still I'm smirking!



Here's an autumn picture, it's still quite summer here, but you can smell the autumn already. It's my very favourite season! When it's cold outside but you wear warm clothes so you feel alive, but not cold. Yesterday I walked to sit by the river. It's quite long way when my bike is broken, but it really was worth it <3<3<3.

School starts, blaah!

Dear reader, yes I'm still in school. I've been in school for 18 fucking years! And I want to get out! This is sick! Well, actually I'm not in school, I'm in university with lectures and everything "grown-up". Yeah, that worked the first years. Last year I made my Bachelor thesis and I'm absolutely exhausted! Never again!!! Unfortunately I still have my master's 10x longer thesis to do... and of course I'm sick of all the thinking and wondering and want to do something real, which means polytechnic or such and four extra years! Oh my God! I'll be 40 when I finish if I won't die of ulcer first...My mom says most of my problems are caused by thinking uni as school... says high school drop-out...



My plan is to do some shit this autumn and then search every place to find an apprendiceship. Tried last spring already, but didn't get any. Maybe I reached too high, tried to get in Finland's London and Paris cultural embassy, riiight, 3000 applicants... But one is certain, I can't study whole next year, this summer was again summer school. Plus I need money! Goverment student money ends in 6 months and then I have nothing and I must move home, where there's no jobs available.

To sum it all, I'm in shit. My mom's in shit, my grandmom and -dad are gone, this has been one sick summer. And I don't have any friends!!! Okay, don't go there again. You're own fault. Even my grandmother, the alive, asked my mother do I have a problen with her and the (now dead) grandfather, because I'm so scared of them to speak. Plus I wanted them to understand I was depressed when I wasn't speaking. Obviously didn't work... So in the end I'm alone. My mom always says everything will be ok, wait 6 months... HELP ME! Plus the girl who asked me to go to Europe, hasn't said anything after I answered yes please.



Everyone has these kind of days. This should clear the air, if not, it will be autumn soon, the season of new beginnings, new students and possibly friends, and most of all the incredible smell of autumn. My favourite season!