Anger management... and a wee bit of luuv

Gosh I was angry on Wednesday! The reason for this: unbearable disappointment and feel of rejection. I've been asking my sister to go to abroad with me for years, but she never has money. When I finally got our mother to understand that my head's blowing if I don't get a holiday, she promised to give money to her. But apparently travelling with your sister requires a sister fee, 'bout 10 000 €. (yes, and mother disappointed me too, promising to go before christmas, at christmas and after, lying of course). And now my sister had the nerve ask me to meet her so she can tell me about her plans to go travelling with her friend! As I've always said, if you want to do something, money or time is no object. She ovbiously didn't want to go with me but was too scared to say it to my face. I've heard this before, from my friends. Maybe I'm a little fiery when angered, but I would think it's much better to face little anger now than torture the other sometimes for years, because the anger will only grow. One thing I can't stand is cowardice, especially if people lie about you behing your back when they are too scared to speak their own mind. (Thank you Eveliina for destroying my friendships, place in our student union and my self confidence, still hasn't recovered). Cunts.

So I decided to take a break from people, at least for 2 weeks. And I WILL GO on our break week at the beginning of march. SO MAKE SURE I GO! If you want to do something, you have to do it yourself. Fuck others. I just saw a "good" friend. She said to me, we should meet someday of some coffee or something. I replied (of course behind her back cause I'm a coward) Yeah right, I'm sure.



Back to the real subject of my writing. I watched today Los Serranos tv-series, and was stunned by the happiness I felt while listening it's theme uno mas uno son siete. That was really happy summer when I listened it for the first time. Too bad I couldn't remember the year. Is it so long since I've had a happy summer? Another thing: I listened today some Phantom of the Opera music, and then I listened the song All I ask of you. Oh My God! ven greater memories. I've probably told about the one boy on my class. This is what happened: I listened this song at home, nad then left to the party of his. There one girl sung quietly a song, which I recognised as being the phantom. I of course joined, not very wel because I didn't know the lyrics. We went to a bar and came back, me sleeping at his place, ON THE SOFA, you perverts! Then I walked home in slush and sung All I ask of you, and then I walked back to city centre to buy eye shadow to my sister which I had broken. Never did I knew he would call me the next day... But anywho, I have really warm feelings towards that song than I had when I fell in love with it the first time.
Am I or am I not manic-depressive?!!!



Raoul, way more macho than that cape guy!

birthday update

Now it's time for that "cheer" birthday update. I wrote another, but it was so morbid and awful and stuff that I deleted it. Unfortunately I don't feel so light any more... Quite bored actually. I've had my bithday dress, which I bought on Friday, on the whole day. It's made of lace, and I thought it was grey until I put my grey tights on. Now it's grey blue. It's nice and short, but unfortunatelly it's size 42, that is far too big. In the shop it was ok, but now it makes me look soo fat. It's so loose that it doesn't even make a cleavage, an effect I badly need. Were I ever to use it public I should baste it a little... But what's new? every birthday dress has been too big.


My winter look. Sexy.

But now I know I must loose weight. It's not the tummy, but the hips, not nice. Luckily I use tight clothes, so it doesn't show so much. Less chocolate, maybe 3 times a week, better make it 4 times I'll buy in contrast to every day as it's now. And my nemesis, carbohydrate. I mean really. How is it possible to eat less spaghetti and rice, when they are the bases of every meal? And bread. I love wheat bread! Gosh, if I only had a boyfriend already this problem would be solved.



What next? Oh yes, the thesis. Not working!!! It's a piece of shit! Now Im thinking of Elgin marbles, but my professor's not happy and no one else. I sure as hell am not going to do it of aestethic idiotic stuff for which I'm too stupid or of some Priapos and phallos loving Payne Knight (yeah, thanks for the tip, prof. You're weird). What to do? Not asking my school friends, who were the only ones not to congratulate me. I mean how hard is it to click like in FB? BOOO!

Oh yes, now you can watch in live me opening my present. It's pink and has pearls around it. Argh, the paper has bee nglued together! And taped to the box! Hahaa, freedom! It's Californication s2 dvd! What a surprise, since I made the choise in the shop myself! But it's like the best birthday present ever! Our family doesn't do the birthdays, since they are so close to christmas for my sister also. I bought myself a "present" also. I was hoping to get some of my friends here or to la fiesta or something out, so I bought some alcohol. Well they didn't come. I was asked to see a Holiday in Rome movie to a girl I don't like much and a cat I like even less. The movie is horrible and the girl is on a diet without alcohol, meet, grains, anything good, so I stayed home, watching Lark rise to Candleford and drinking my chocolate-milk-mintchocolate-cream with etanol. Heaven!!! It was spot on! There's still some left, but only because I'm out of cacao and milk and outside is incredibly wet! (Yes, the 2m's snow has turned into 2m's of slush).So in your faces, cunts! Especially since I just tried to take pictures of how much fun I had, all by myself and failed miserably. Some people just don't photograph well, I suppose. I mean, I'm not very hideous when I look into the mirror, although My face is fat... That's really unfair. Some weight 200kg's and don't even have double chin, I had one when I was anorexic!But now I leave you to drink that etanol cream, yammy!


And that's our cat eating with it's fingers.

Brand new year

Ciao!
It's 4th of January, already! I should be brisk and ready for new year after 2 weeks of resting home, but I'm incredibly tired, ever since I came back to my student appartement. Damn you after christmas sales! Yesterday I wenr over and over around the draper's shop searching fabric to bedspread and shirt, but I ended up buying a strange looking fabric of mustard yellow, about 1,2X2m. What the hell I'm going to do with it? Worst part is that it's full of holes... Now it's outside in frost to all the animals in it to die. Well, it's ok, it was supposed to cost 5€ but I ended up paying 2,75. It's lovely, so soft, so soft...

And unfortunately has baroque ornaments, which I have too much! I need to delete that stuff from my room. I've been putting fabrics, curtains, scarfs, table cloths on my walls and it's so beautiful, but alas, so boring in the face of brand new year.


Now I'm gonna list all the christmas presents. I must say, I was quite hopeless after last year's fiasco, one fucking dvd (which unfortunately ended up being quite invigorating), salmiac (Finnish candy with liquorice and salt, my favourite but certainly not a christmas delicacy), and once more a pastry brush. I decided that if I got one again this year, I would throw it through a window. But I didn't get one. I got chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, and also set of warn underware, which apparently was quite common gift, us having -30c this christmas, hurrah! Then I got external dvd drive, because I had broken my internal and was too lazy to get it fixed, maybe my computer doesn't hotten up so much any longer... My father gave me a calendar, which incredible banknote in between. Hope it's still there... The calendar has pictures of forest nature, quite boring, but always better than the alternative with tractors. Sister got one with baby animals, spoiled little animal herself... No no that's not true! She didn't give me anything last year, but my did she compensate it this year. I only gave her book, Praise of folly by Erasmus of Rotterdam, some instant chocolate coffee and 3€ dvd of stupid college kids. The reason was she is writing (or trying) her master's thesis, and with 20% she might understand the joke and actually find it amusing. 80% she would kill me, but I took a change and it payed off! She on the other hand gave me The imaginarium od doctor parnassus or whatever dvd, Prode and prejudice and zombies or whatever book, and a toaster. A Toaster!!! Hurrah for her!


I came back here on Sunday, and found that I have a new roommate. I fastly put my new toaster on kitchen table so that s wouldn't put her's there. It would be stupid to have two, and to keep mine on box. But my biggest fear was that she would toast her bread there first. Is there nothing worse than lose the change to use your own machine first? That's against the freedom of individuality!

Embarrasing dream

Very well. I'll tell it. T'was too embarrasing to tell to my friends, and even to the other protagonist of that dream, but maybe the whole world is trustworthy enough. The world is famous of it's sensitiveness.
Actually there's nothingh to tell, I know why I had it and it made me feel good, so so what?! I just went to the home of an italian girl and took my clothes of and then that girl came in, also without clothes, and then her possibly italian boy(friend) and then another boy. And the whole plot was for me to invent a good enough reason to explain my being in there, naked... Maybe the more embarrasing thing was to meet her today, they have a habit of hugging and kissing, fanntastic! No action in teh dream, alas.

The more ackward moment today: how to get out of a building, when the front door is crowded by a faculty, which you have cowardly abandonned? Classics are really scary people! There was a girl who came to ask me who to find another route, because she didn't want to pass them. Especially the alcoloh it their glasses was a sign of danger. One could have got a CIL on one's head! [=Thickest books mankind has created, could not find a picture.]

Speaking of thick books, I borrowed Sword Shannara Trilogy in one edition. Mistake! It's impossible to read in bead, it flattens one's head when arms get tired.

On Monday was Finnish Independence Day. I wondered a long time what would be better name for it. Birthday od Finland? No, Finland's like a thousand years older (than 93). Birthday of Republic? No, Governing was democratic from the end of all-Russian General Strike in 1906. Maybe birthday of independence? Finland wasn't united before Sweden occupied it in 13th century. That's it! Now that rings a bel... damned! That's the official name! Like I've said, University doesn't require brains!


The Miracle of Winter War, oh la la!

Short history of Finland: Stone Age: people from Ural mountains, then from germanic and Scandinavian tribes. Nice, tribal living until evil Sweden decides to make crusades and take Finland. Little slow livind as buffer against Russia until Napoleon wants Russia to attack Sweden, through Finland of course. 1809 Occupated by Russia, but actually gained autonomy which was never here during the Swedish! Then, Russian revolutions in 1917 and Independence through our Government on 6th of December. Then civil war. Quite funny, Independence is celebrated by Second World War movies! Victory over Russia strengthened our independence (or did it?...Kekkonen...) What was I trying to explain?

Finnish cultural tradition: unlike probably all other nations Finland celebrated independence day in a grave mood. War movies, military parades, candles to the grave of unknown soldier (of 2nd WW, first WW was civil war, too biased). One thing I like is 2 white and blue candles in window. Only again I noticed me living in too a leftist hippie and middle eastern area, my window was the only one with candles. I'm Finnish and I won't change my nationality. Finnish passport is good enough, actually at least better than some Norwegian Nato passport.



For the finish, I'll tell you that on Wednesday we went to Åbo Svenska Teater, The Swedish language Theatre in Turku to see les Miserables. Both me and my sister agree that Jean Valjean was shite, and Javert ( and Gavroche) stole the show. Cool in this is that I desided it before I knew that Valjean actor was Swedish! Don't know why they had to import singers from Sweden, maybe there's no male sopranos in Finland... Sorry, that was incredible racist! Shame on me! But why can't there be male sopranos, I'm tenor though I'm a girl. But Valjean was in his own class when considering looks. Finnish are a bit... Good musical, although our seats weren't the best our money DID buy and the scene was quite small. But at least we got to taste Finnishswedish Glamour!

East or West, which is best, wtf?

I've found another favourite song. Last year it was Paps'n Skar's La Dance and a dance edit of it. Now it's Basshunter's Angel in the Night, which is increbibly old. First of all it has awesome chords, like that small bit of I Promised myself (how many of us out here / feel the pain of losing what was once there, actually I've no idea how the lyrics go). Any way that's good, I usually always listen only the music, never lyrics. But in this Angel song even the lyrics are amazing! I wish some boy once would sing them to me! "I don't know what I'm gonna do, But I'm so crazy about you"; iik!



I've started to think the times when I've been most happy. When I listen this song, with is bass rhythm, really loud with headphones, I almoust start to cry. But there's still something missing. When I'm at a bar, with hundreds of people around me, all jumping the same beat and singing same lyrics, that's heaven. The whole humankind is one, moves as one. Suddenly you catch the eye of someone you have never seen before. You don't see what he/she looks like, you just smile and he smiles back and you are soulmates as long as you sing that song. This is why I love partying in discotecks. So unintellectuas as bass rhythm is (no intentional insult here, I just mean compared to jazz or Beethoven), it unites people like nothing else.

When you compare Asia and Europe (west), people always say that West is about individuality. Everyone wants to be their own person, no one wants to wear same cloths and everyone want to achieve things on their own merits. East in comparison is about groups, no individuality, society before individuals. It's quite strange for me to look at chinese movies like Hero, where there are thousands of soldiers all looking and behaving the same. (That's not reality, that's only my ignorance and smallminded and boredom). Why we try our best to be individuals, all alone and separate from other people, when we still love to go jump in a crowd? I try my hardest to me me, but still I'm happiest as one of that one being with thousand bodies. I really don't understand the world, but while I'm meditating it, I'll out headphones on and close my eyes to see my tribe.

Autumn Fever

Yes, unfortunately it's true. Might have known that the moment I read the word autumn break in calendar I get sick. I only wish I'm ok tomorrow, I was supposed to go visit home... When I lived with mother or when she visited me all that was needed was a bottle of our own black currant juice and health returned. I bought last year factory made juice and it was awful! Don't you think it's horrible that when you have a cold you feel sick and every remeby, juice, the, fruits, eucalyptus stuff for throat and nose, they are all so sweet and then you truly feel sick! Few years ago I found heavenly food, Knorr chicken and noodle soup and toast. But they don't sell that in Finland, only that disgusting slimy thing.

Another fever I had a while ago, that is two quite adorable males lost their girlfriends. I mean, am I not allowed to rejoice of their unhappiness? Strangely enough, the other, living here, was quite bright looking when meeting me... I think I would answer differently would he ask again. Although, I have had numberless phone calls recently. The other guy, well he's my cousin so there's nothing strange there. I heard every girl is in love with their cousins. By the way, he looks exactly like Mark Feehily form Westlife. Another cousing looks like Backstreet Boys' Brian. Lord I'm lucky! I've never met his girlfriend but I've seen her picture in Facebook and she's old and quite ugly. Good riddens for bad rubbish! After a week/2 weeks he's now hooked again, with the same girl, what a tragedy!!!

But anyway, if you who sent me a text 3-4 years ago would send one again I still wouldn't answer but if you would come to get me, I would come. I wouldn't have changed my mind but I might be little less scared. I still think I would be perfect for you, don't mess with those adolescent girls. At least now I've been practising, and with French men no less!



An article in the museum studies notice board. Translation of finnish: "I want to become a museum curator".

Hoplaa

Yes. Of course it happened. I've complained bloody 10 years nto having a job. And now there's millions of possibilities! Museology, stupid and boring and time consuming as it is, however required 2 apprendiceships. So now I have an excuse to beg work. And I've asked one Finnish museum, they haven't answered yes but they have said maybe. I've contacted Italy, and there's possibility if I'm brave enough to write to the director. And Cimo scholarships are here, London with some celebrations, Paris and some festivals and a new Rome and the lovely Villa Lante! Gosh I was so disappointed not to be able to go there the year before, but I might have change now.


Only thing is to apply. The hardest thing is if I get to Cimo, I can't do museology work. The same thing happened year ago. I was supposed to apply to Cimo and Lante course. I was scared that I would get to both and therefore I didn't apply to course and didn't get to London or Paris either. God I pray I will get to some place and will be extremely happy and healthy. I have to say this year seems much lighter than year ago. Then I hoped to rejoin with my friends and wad disappointed. Now I know I'll be alone so no disappointments! I can do whatever I want to do alone! Except of course when I'm so lonely and ask somebody and she'll rather stay alone than be with me. But no expectations!