Confusion about the circle of life

A week ago was quite important festival in Finland, Midsummer. Important in Christianity, paganism, 23 hours of sun and last time to enjoy flowers before they die. The last remark wasn't at all good, too predictive and quite a cliché. I went home to countryside and started to prepare myself to celebrate, maybe I could be brave enough to do some magic. But unfortunately after I had spent a day with my very sick mother's father we got a call saying he has been taken to hospital. He's been in terminal stage long time and we have been waiting the call over a year. Now it came, and with it the nausea. Couple days later he had got little better, he wasn't so tired after medication. I felt relief.



My little sister was announced that she should come home as quick as possible. In my mother's words, these could be the last days. this was, I think, Wednesday. On Thursday we got a call. No, it wasn't about my mother's father, but about my father's mother. She had died. That call shouldn't have been a surprise, she had been about four years in really bad condition, she couldn't hear, speak, move... But she seemed to be safe and stable. My father has lost both of his parents, and my mother is really scared. Not only about grandfather but also how my gandmother can handle losing husband and close friend.

I don't know how to handle all of this. I feel, that little grief is of course good. I have no right to ask people to stop crying. But at the same time, I feel that maybe this is how life goes. If I could die after having children, I would be glad. If I would die after having grandchildren, I would be very happy indeed. If I would be so happy to live until I saw my great grandchildren, I would be thanking God. They will never die because these 3 generations of children. The most shameful thing about my thinking was a relief. When last year I heard about my gandfather's condition I felt disappointed. I was really depressed and felt that now I must continue living although I don't really want. That he was living but I was only alive. Why this happened to him. But now, even though I'm even more depressed, I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I don't have to die after all!



I must add another revelation I had. I, again, had fights with my family. Tehy refuse to understand me, even mother, who I thought had understood before, refused to remember it. And I'm sure I was right! And then I had one of these snotty teary conversations with, apparently, God, Jesus and grandmother, and asked why do I feel so worthless, disappointed and plain horrible if I'm not meant to die. The answer came: because world is so weird! The route of life takes the strangest routes to lead to happy ending. It fealt so strange that I started to laugh (through tears). Strange strange world. We fight, hit, insult, but the life always comes back to the starting point and then maybe we'd be able to choose better. It's really incredible. Weird life...