Crying like the Weather

I think one of the worst parts of being alone is not to have anyone to comfort you when you're upset. Like a moment ago, when I broke my full plate of blueberry pie and vanilla on the floor. If there had been somebody else in here, he/she could've hugged me and say its ok, there's still plenty of pie and sauce left and the plate was the first of its kind to break. On the other hand he could be swearing and I'd be doing the comforting. But, as I'm here alone, I fell to my knees and cried.

Sunday's traditional crying day. Before I cried the worst day of my life, when that girl (who btw was just on tv crying her suicide attempts, there goes any symphaty for me), who kicked me out of our group and friendships. I had to raise up and yell "I've been happy since that, I've been happy since that!". That's true, a year after one of our friends, who I had never really talked, invited ME to be with HER and 2 GUYS, and a lot of times, she didn't get bored with me! I may have told about it, many times, but there's not so much happening that I could give new material. Anyhow, it all ended when I went abroad. It's amazing, how one of your own dreams destroys everything good. I guess you should never go after your dreams but to take the world as it comes. If it comes. I'm afraid that ship has already sailed.

I've been putting off writing here, because I wanted to have some news. Well, now I guess I have. I didn't get the job at fast food restaurant, those bloody beta bloggers failed me, what's the point of not being scared when you're sitting alone playing stupid computer games? I didn't get into Brussels or Rome internships, either. The worst part is that now I can never apply to Rome, because I got into finals and now they know me. That's what I hate about job interview. Afterwards they know you and know exactly why you're not worth it. You're never going to be asked again. Last spring I had an interview to the best workplace, well, that's over now...

However, there's one place I got into, I guess, I've had no information for the last month or so. A 3 month course at Rome next spring! There are more problems than good points. One, I can't do any of my courses. Also I was fed up with ruins in month last year, what about three months?! But, now the weather will be going towards better, not worse, that might help. I have found, that you can never do something twice, the second always sucks. That's why I'm really afraid... Lastly, but definitely not lastly, there's only going to be 2 boys, from which the other is gay. What changes do I have against 4 other girls?! But I hope the girls are going to be as nice as last time. Although there's going to be 2 pairs and me. Last time I finally ended up with pairs to an outgoing girl. What if there's going to be 2 outgoing, and 2 silent ones? How in the world can I make friends with the firsts? Only reason last time was that she had no other company but me.

The pillerist

I had the great problem of what to start studying. Well, I made the decision based on the amount of culture in curriculums, and the answer was italian. Sad, because I've always wanted to learn french, but I think I've got better changes to get in Rome than in Paris to do my apprendiceship. For France I should start art history as well. Not that I wouldn't like it, but I just don't have time. For some stupid reason both languages want us to study nearly all basic studies during autumn (like 22 from 25 etcs). Besides italian started to intrigue me more and more. Well, the entrance exam is 2 weeks from now, we'll know more after that.

Right now the biggest problem is that again I can't turm my head to the right. I was stupid enough to Play flute crouching in a chair, after which I looked at a fly in the window.
Hope it'll be okay by wednesday. I finally asked a doctor's appointment to get some beta blockers for my body, because this is getting ridiculous. I got only 400€ on my account, so I got to find work asap. And that's where pills come in. I've always sworen that I won't tough pills, but then again that's what's what I said about bank loans... Hopefully I will get better and find my life again. It's really awful to be a prison of a body. I just have to keep quiet about it, or else the doctor refuses pills and sends me to a shrink.

I've been reading Agatha Christie's Moving Finger, whis I think is the best novel of her's. The trick is that it's in italian, I bought it from Rome. I do with it the same proven technique that has worked with English, French and Swedish; the first book in a foreign language should be so familiar in my own language so that I don't get lost.
I like the book because the story is ( in my mind) that a handsome, clever man sees an ackward, out-of-place girl who looks younger than her age, and falls in love with her in any case. Of course she's not tall and dark but small and blonde, what are you thinking?!!

The pictures are our small lambs. We had them 11, but one unfortunately died.

Life is nothing more than a quick succession of busy nothings

Ooo it seems to be over a month since I last wrote here. I guess its because I haven't had anything really good or bad. Or maybe yes, but I've just tried to read stuff for my thesis, not succeeding, but I have to try, since I don't have work. So no holiday this summer.

I've also have been making big plans about next year. Of course I was supposed to work and quickly in the evenings write my thesis into Laudatur, but I really want to take French into a minor, so maybe I could get work there. But the best chanbge for work is Villa Lnate, so I should take also Italian. And one mustn't forget the every second year Museology courses. And I really should learn Swedish properly. Oh and the fucking Virgil! So I have my plate full. The probleme is money. I'm not gonna cry it again, but its always in my mind, how my mother ruined my life. And that's awful I feel even more sick of that thought than the money thought. Reality is, that its impossible (for somebody like me) to get payed job, and that's why I had lived 5 years in macaroni to save money, which my mother... I'm soo awful! but I've decided that next autumn I go to Health Centre to ask some beta blockers and try them out. This is ridicule. Who isn't chosen to be tooilet cleaner?!!!

Some more bad news. Nada's gone. I felt like a love sick puppy, she left her clothes and stuff here and I've been sniffing them. We didn't do much, once a forthnight a lunch, and only one time party. But that, I think, is what set her apart. Last time I was in a party was 3 years ago, fiesta latina at Aberdeen with the Swedish girl; which actually was the only party that spring (I'm not counting ta ceilidh, which sucked. James was quite horrible, luckily she's broken up with him). That autumn I partied a lot, and actually the girl, or one of them, is coming to Finland! Don't know exactly when, in a few days, she didn't say exactly. And even more interesting was the location: Northern forest. Hmmm... Finland is quite bigger and has a few forests more than Belgium, pick a map! But if it happens it should be an adventure. The probleme is that I'm a pessimist (OMG no way!). We talked with Nada about Monkeying 2-3 months, and it didn't happen.

Then I have one more topic: football. But unfortunatelly its again negative. WC games I was for Spain from the start, and so I was now. But unfortunately my time in Italy and 2006 made me root for them as well. So I was in a bit of a dead end on the final last Sunday. Two minutes before the game started, I made my choice: since the last game I saw was Italy-Germany, which the pretty team won, and Spanish apparently are quite good, I choose Italians. What a catastrophe! But, something of a sun ray came to view; my favorite El Niño made a goaaal! He's so cute!

I don't like this new Blogger profile

And then to other news: This has been quite a week. Last of April and first of May are not ordinary Finnish days. People drink and yell and laugh and generally have fun. I have been part of that only once. The Vappu 2006, first year of university. It was amazing, and the most important reason why I grieve the loss of my old computer and pictures. They were a proof, that I have lived, that I have actually had fun, even if it was only for 2 days. Before I went to Aberdeen, I had some of the worst times ever, but also really good times. I had friends, who invited me to parties, and I found myself to be an integral part of a small group, which was something I would've never thought could happen to me. Then I went to exchange and broke my computer, into which I had been stupid enough to leave all my photos, even though music I had put into a memory stick. When I came back, there was no one left. Nobody spoke to me. I'm completely alone. I don't even have photographs to prove what happened before. Maybe it's better, maybe now I can forget and stop being jealous for myself. But I'd still want them back.

Wrong subject; I was supposed to speak this Vappu. Well, finally, after many years of trying I found a person to accompany me to celebrations. So on Monday we went to put our student caps on and watch the washing of a naked lady, and on tuesday we went for a picpic and after to funfare. I even got my sister to join us, which I had been trying to do for ages. And then on Thursday we finally managed to go to a party, thank God because it was Farewell Party, last one this year. And on Friday shopping. All in all, really busy, lot of walking and tired, tired, tired.

The only problem was, that I was really depressed, quite frankly pissed off the whole week. I don't even know why! It happens in certain time of the month, but it wasn't that time. The only conclusion I made was, that I just don't want to be happy. I don't really want what I think I want. Even though I had wished for the whole year to get my sister and Nada together (the only friends I have), I wasn't happy; they started to talk and talk, I have it really hard to speak when I'm alone with one of them, but when they start to talk to each other, not even needing me to answer, No change. Besides my shortness gave problems...

And in the fare I wanted to go to machines, I went into one, but couldn't do it again, I didn't realise how much it scared me, and it made me so ashamed, not actually scared, just mortified how pathetic I was. And the there were these 2 young dudes standing in front of me. Sister and Nada were worried that they bothered me. How sad little girl they think I am not to be able to handle a few 14 years olds with their baby brother with them?!

What else to complain... On Wednesday I was just lying in bed whole day and Thursday everything was going bad. My only experience of a vomit hangover was when I hadn't drunk so much, just really pissed off at everybody. So I was truly waiting for the worst, but I had to go; I had been waiting for it for the last 3 and a half years, I must go. So I went; and it was ok; I was really rusty in dancing, and I was a bit upset, my friend having boyish hair and clothes, me wearing high heels and deep cleavage, and she getting all the attention, but as the evening went on, I got a few followers too, so it wasn't a complete waste of time. All's alright now, I feel ok. I would like to have a job, though...

Yell a’ ha’e heard tell o’ Bonnie Jeanie Cameron

I'm almost made up my mind about my master's thesis. It will probably have Jenny Cameron as it's centre, but how to write about her, that is the question. It might help that I would read the documents about her first...



Why to write about '45? Basically because of the clothes. I'm going to print pictures to raise my motivation, and no way I'm going to stare a picture of a slave or something for one year, minimum. No! I want to stare 18th century corset and silk dresses.


I'm interested about romanticm, and I think dashing Charlie is pretty romantic. One very good point of view would be to compare the treatment of Jenny and Flora MacDonald. Unfortunatelly the "all-comprizing" ECCO doesn't find much writing about Flora from 1745-1749, which has been my main focus. But I can always change it. The reason I didn't take Flora in the forst place was her picture:



She looks so bored and resigned that I wouldn't want to spend much time with her. On the contrary Jenny:



She's got fire in her eyes. I really fell in love with that picture, even if the actual Jenny was over 40 at the time of the rebellion... The picture at the top, oil painting by Allan Ramsay and thought to present Henny is very pretty also. It's also presenting the beginnings of a nipple-gate, therefore easy to relate... Interesting; the internet is telling me that Ramsay painted also the above Flora!

In the end I know that picture is quite stupid heart of a research. But basically I don't care! The writing will take such a long time that I'm not going to spend it on something ugly. The subject is starting to bore me already, after few weeks, but luckily I know that soon I'll have pretty pictures on my wall, such as Bonnie Prince:

The year's reflection

Now it's Easter, and also the anniverary of me living in this flat. I didn't want to go to bed yet, so I put some music. I desided to put Hollywood Hills by Sunrise Avenue (the only one worth listening, in my opinion, haters can hate). This was because I listened it from radio a year ago, and when my mother and sister came to visit at Easter, my sister liked it too (which is always the mark of something good...) With that memory I started to think, what is different now, a year later. Has my life progressed in any way?



At first the answer was no, my life's in excactly the same position as before, only year less time to fulfil it. But Then I made a return to reality. A year ago I knew that I had work the next summer. I had also visited Rauma for the first time and seen that it's very beautiful. But I didn't know what it was like to wake up almost every morning and leave to work when other, grown up people went to work, and get home from work and relax. I also didn't think I could leave at 7am and get back at 8pm for 2 months without problems. I'm really proud of that.



One thing I didn't know one year ago was, that I had been chosen to Roman course. I didn't know that I would spend the first holiday free of summer exams studying to Rome. I also didn't know that I would phone mom and sister yelling the news from balcony just that everyone, and especially that cute boy next door would hear about it and would gratuate (of course they didn't). They didn't know that I would also put a big sign saying ROMA to my wall just to announce the news for everyone looking in.
I didn't know I would go to Rome, walk around, be in a 34c in October, visit mountain monastery, go Galleria Borghese and Tivoli.

Today, when I was resting (sleeping) I started to see in my mind the view from Terracina. I felt that it would be my view of dreams, blue blue sky, green water far away below, the sky and sea touching each other with no other sing except the sun's reflection; white cliffs and strong wind trying to blow you to sea. I have always loved autumn because its strong winds and I love to go standing on a hill, but that was so extreme!



Of course Nada is amazing, but she's the only new girl I have got to know this year. Also I had little foresight that I would be the president of Museion, but I didnät know it would be so hard. Not the doing but the ordering. Gosh if I could sack my board, cabinet whatever it's called, I would've done it months ago.

But those two things I guess make the year worthwhile, maybe even progressing my life.

My childhood educator

A few days ago I desided to make a new desktop picture, for I've had the present for 2-3 weeks, and it's not made by me! So I wrote to google "period drama", and started to look at the pictures. When this one popped up, ( I don't remember which one of these)















the first thought in my mind was 'Oh my God it's me!'. That was really weird, for I don't look at all like her. But that was my initial reaction.

I've been thinking about my inability to be with people, you know, thinking that people come to me, and the worse I behave the more others like me. I mean Gilbert came back to Anne. Why don't my boys come back to me after I've asked them to disappear?
What I think is the reason is, that maybe my mom made a mistake to introduce me with this kind of literature. Of course the alternative would've been forest work with my gloomy dad, but at least he's a real person, not an invented caracter from a hundred years old Scottish children's book. Apparently my alter ego Anne of Green Gables has taken over even my perseption of my body. No wonder I all but throw up when in the mirror there's a person with fat face, achne, deep setted small pig eyes and the most bushiest of eye brows. There, that's who I am. Or am I, if I don't feel like it?

In the end, God did Anne have a wonderful life?! I mean look at it!

Winter evening

Hah, it happened again! Now I guess it'll be no longer an accident, but a fact. I don't go to parties. The heaven for me would be drinks, shouting, singing, music, dancing, talking, embarrasing truths, strange places to wake up and easy breathing. Yesterday was a party. A party in which I was invited to, by a person I don't necessary like but a person who likes to drink, dance and stuff. In her place it always smells weird and she has that killer cat, but anyhow, I wanted to go! There was people, maybe a bit different, but to mend that I was planning to bring there my Offida vine. There most likely would have been a girl I liked, and maybe a boy I kind of liked and who had liked me and that was a change for him to remember what was so likeable about me. And a possibility of having a boy, whom I've seen in courses and stuff and it would have been a change for him to get to know me. But, in the end, I didn't go. The reason, after having my dinner I would only had 2 hours before, and my stomache would have hurt to be in a rush.


Christmas presents for the familii

Yes, I really am a cunt. Fucking idiot. Like I have some kind of a problem of being perfect or happy. Like twelve years ago in flute lessons I always played everything a little badly, in case the teacher thought I was good, better than I actually was, and expected too much. When I translated a few years ago Cicero's letters. I did a few mistakes in every letter, so that the teacher would't think I was a natural or something. I guess that's the reason why I have never, from 7 years old, spoken in class. What I said to myself, if I answered in the question I knew the answer, I would've been speaking the whole time, and nobody else wouldn't be able to show their talent. And, of course, I didn't want to be the nerd loser. But if you have been teaching to stifle yourself your whole life, how can you start having conversations in seminars?
The annoying part is, that in exams and essays I absolutely must have the very best result, why settling for good if there's a possibility of being the best? Why settling for anything, that's quitting, not caring?


Roomie, and my favourite colour isn't red...

I've been fighting to get a social life. Really fighting. That's why I joined the student organization, became it's president and have been 3 years iternational tutor. Now I desided it's not necessary over but on a break. From now on I will concentrate on school and work, if I can find one. It's not working. When I concentrate on finding friends, not only is it failing but my school is also suffering. So if I study hard, I'll get better marks, teachers start to like me again, I'll have a change to get a job. And being so happy and radiating the good feeling around people will start to be drawn to me and think this is a person worthy of getting to know. And if not, I'll start fighting again. At this point it's useless.

Francois

I finished my first French language novel!!! To celebrate it, I chose Tchaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet theme to the background for that proposal scene required for any good book. That made me smile! The first book wasn't Camus, Proust or even Moliere, French lit is hard enough in Finnish. The book was Persuasion, by Jane Austen. I'm not apologising my choise; it would've been too hard to read totally new book, altough it would have been better not to have known every line by heart... This way I started reading English books, the first one was Anne Brontë's Agnes Grey. The second reason was the small French section of our library. Final was the subject. Damn if I gonna read a stupid book! That's why I started translating 4 years ago, and still going, Virgil's Dido and Aeneis instead of Cicero's some stupid prosal thingy. I rather read difficult but interesting than easy and boring.



I've been ill, annoying almost ill but not quite. This weekend I've been lying in bed, hopefully next week I'm alright. But it hasn't prevented of being nice weekend. Yesterday, was quite fantastic. I had dreamed in the night about 3 boys, in separate dreams of course, what were you thinking?! Knowing that it's not difficult to guess how I spent my day, especially when I had seen, by change, in the morning a programme the Cup, in which a football team gets a new coach, one Emmanuel Leconte.
Le Roi Francois 1er de France dans ma tête tout le jour et la nuit, oui!



And one thing I was thinking in a toilet today, while I was washing my hands, what were you thinking?! It came to my mind that I'm actually quite innocent, in a good way. I remembered how I jumped to my knees and grinned like a mad person, when I read the final chapter of Persuasion and thought, that I don't think my mother would have done the same. Actually, if I had been in love, broken hearted, in love, broken hearted again and again, and finally been living with a guy a few years and now having a baby, like so many at my age, I don't think I would've done that. You may be happy and smiling after a good result, but you would've seen so much that it wouldn't turn your life so much. So even if I'm unexperienced to the desperation I still have that innocence what gives me drive to find my own. I've noticed before, that when I smile, I do it to the max. My sister, usually she just smiles, you can rarely see even her teeth. I often wonder does she think things are funny, is she only pretending? My granmom or somebody once said that when I was little I was always laughing but now I'm only quiet. After that I've tried to find that side back. But anyway, if you like something I don't see the point in playing it down. My sister says she hates public showing of love, like hugging and kissing. I think the world is awful place enough without knowingly supressing happiness.

BD girl

Gianicolo e Lante

Today was my birthday. I celebrated it with no school work. I also enjoyed some mint and chocolate liqueur, and now I feel little odd. I had lunch with a friend and came home to finally organise the Rome pictures to internet for other course members to see. I also finalised the music video (yes, I make a lot of videos) of Barcelona, it's not been long, 9 months...


Tivoli

So all in all, it's been nice enough a birthday. Usually I'm really depressed, but last night I listened some songs, Take On Me and Power of Love and watched scenes from Back to the Future and Breakfust Club, and understood that maybe my birthday year wasn't so bad after all. And it's finally snow here! People are talking of -16c, I'm not believing it, because I haven't been cold. I finally can use my beautiful winter clothes, like white coat and knee high high heel boots.


Terracina

Tomorrow starts school, and I've desided to finally do some proper work. I would like to get at least Batchelor's degree before summer. But maybe I have a little too much work on my plate, well we'll see. Maybe this is the only way to get work. No way of getting a job if I have time to do it, apparently...


Pompeii

Tomorrow, spanish, french oral (if I find the courage), library to get some books to look the covers, trying to plan student union meeting (yes, I prepare to be the worst president ever, but I didn't vote for me), and grocery store would be nice enough, I'm a wee bit hungry...
And for the end, here's some Italy pictures:


Subiaco