Embarrasing dream

Very well. I'll tell it. T'was too embarrasing to tell to my friends, and even to the other protagonist of that dream, but maybe the whole world is trustworthy enough. The world is famous of it's sensitiveness.
Actually there's nothingh to tell, I know why I had it and it made me feel good, so so what?! I just went to the home of an italian girl and took my clothes of and then that girl came in, also without clothes, and then her possibly italian boy(friend) and then another boy. And the whole plot was for me to invent a good enough reason to explain my being in there, naked... Maybe the more embarrasing thing was to meet her today, they have a habit of hugging and kissing, fanntastic! No action in teh dream, alas.

The more ackward moment today: how to get out of a building, when the front door is crowded by a faculty, which you have cowardly abandonned? Classics are really scary people! There was a girl who came to ask me who to find another route, because she didn't want to pass them. Especially the alcoloh it their glasses was a sign of danger. One could have got a CIL on one's head! [=Thickest books mankind has created, could not find a picture.]

Speaking of thick books, I borrowed Sword Shannara Trilogy in one edition. Mistake! It's impossible to read in bead, it flattens one's head when arms get tired.

On Monday was Finnish Independence Day. I wondered a long time what would be better name for it. Birthday od Finland? No, Finland's like a thousand years older (than 93). Birthday of Republic? No, Governing was democratic from the end of all-Russian General Strike in 1906. Maybe birthday of independence? Finland wasn't united before Sweden occupied it in 13th century. That's it! Now that rings a bel... damned! That's the official name! Like I've said, University doesn't require brains!


The Miracle of Winter War, oh la la!

Short history of Finland: Stone Age: people from Ural mountains, then from germanic and Scandinavian tribes. Nice, tribal living until evil Sweden decides to make crusades and take Finland. Little slow livind as buffer against Russia until Napoleon wants Russia to attack Sweden, through Finland of course. 1809 Occupated by Russia, but actually gained autonomy which was never here during the Swedish! Then, Russian revolutions in 1917 and Independence through our Government on 6th of December. Then civil war. Quite funny, Independence is celebrated by Second World War movies! Victory over Russia strengthened our independence (or did it?...Kekkonen...) What was I trying to explain?

Finnish cultural tradition: unlike probably all other nations Finland celebrated independence day in a grave mood. War movies, military parades, candles to the grave of unknown soldier (of 2nd WW, first WW was civil war, too biased). One thing I like is 2 white and blue candles in window. Only again I noticed me living in too a leftist hippie and middle eastern area, my window was the only one with candles. I'm Finnish and I won't change my nationality. Finnish passport is good enough, actually at least better than some Norwegian Nato passport.



For the finish, I'll tell you that on Wednesday we went to Åbo Svenska Teater, The Swedish language Theatre in Turku to see les Miserables. Both me and my sister agree that Jean Valjean was shite, and Javert ( and Gavroche) stole the show. Cool in this is that I desided it before I knew that Valjean actor was Swedish! Don't know why they had to import singers from Sweden, maybe there's no male sopranos in Finland... Sorry, that was incredible racist! Shame on me! But why can't there be male sopranos, I'm tenor though I'm a girl. But Valjean was in his own class when considering looks. Finnish are a bit... Good musical, although our seats weren't the best our money DID buy and the scene was quite small. But at least we got to taste Finnishswedish Glamour!

East or West, which is best, wtf?

I've found another favourite song. Last year it was Paps'n Skar's La Dance and a dance edit of it. Now it's Basshunter's Angel in the Night, which is increbibly old. First of all it has awesome chords, like that small bit of I Promised myself (how many of us out here / feel the pain of losing what was once there, actually I've no idea how the lyrics go). Any way that's good, I usually always listen only the music, never lyrics. But in this Angel song even the lyrics are amazing! I wish some boy once would sing them to me! "I don't know what I'm gonna do, But I'm so crazy about you"; iik!



I've started to think the times when I've been most happy. When I listen this song, with is bass rhythm, really loud with headphones, I almoust start to cry. But there's still something missing. When I'm at a bar, with hundreds of people around me, all jumping the same beat and singing same lyrics, that's heaven. The whole humankind is one, moves as one. Suddenly you catch the eye of someone you have never seen before. You don't see what he/she looks like, you just smile and he smiles back and you are soulmates as long as you sing that song. This is why I love partying in discotecks. So unintellectuas as bass rhythm is (no intentional insult here, I just mean compared to jazz or Beethoven), it unites people like nothing else.

When you compare Asia and Europe (west), people always say that West is about individuality. Everyone wants to be their own person, no one wants to wear same cloths and everyone want to achieve things on their own merits. East in comparison is about groups, no individuality, society before individuals. It's quite strange for me to look at chinese movies like Hero, where there are thousands of soldiers all looking and behaving the same. (That's not reality, that's only my ignorance and smallminded and boredom). Why we try our best to be individuals, all alone and separate from other people, when we still love to go jump in a crowd? I try my hardest to me me, but still I'm happiest as one of that one being with thousand bodies. I really don't understand the world, but while I'm meditating it, I'll out headphones on and close my eyes to see my tribe.

Autumn Fever

Yes, unfortunately it's true. Might have known that the moment I read the word autumn break in calendar I get sick. I only wish I'm ok tomorrow, I was supposed to go visit home... When I lived with mother or when she visited me all that was needed was a bottle of our own black currant juice and health returned. I bought last year factory made juice and it was awful! Don't you think it's horrible that when you have a cold you feel sick and every remeby, juice, the, fruits, eucalyptus stuff for throat and nose, they are all so sweet and then you truly feel sick! Few years ago I found heavenly food, Knorr chicken and noodle soup and toast. But they don't sell that in Finland, only that disgusting slimy thing.

Another fever I had a while ago, that is two quite adorable males lost their girlfriends. I mean, am I not allowed to rejoice of their unhappiness? Strangely enough, the other, living here, was quite bright looking when meeting me... I think I would answer differently would he ask again. Although, I have had numberless phone calls recently. The other guy, well he's my cousin so there's nothing strange there. I heard every girl is in love with their cousins. By the way, he looks exactly like Mark Feehily form Westlife. Another cousing looks like Backstreet Boys' Brian. Lord I'm lucky! I've never met his girlfriend but I've seen her picture in Facebook and she's old and quite ugly. Good riddens for bad rubbish! After a week/2 weeks he's now hooked again, with the same girl, what a tragedy!!!

But anyway, if you who sent me a text 3-4 years ago would send one again I still wouldn't answer but if you would come to get me, I would come. I wouldn't have changed my mind but I might be little less scared. I still think I would be perfect for you, don't mess with those adolescent girls. At least now I've been practising, and with French men no less!



An article in the museum studies notice board. Translation of finnish: "I want to become a museum curator".

Hoplaa

Yes. Of course it happened. I've complained bloody 10 years nto having a job. And now there's millions of possibilities! Museology, stupid and boring and time consuming as it is, however required 2 apprendiceships. So now I have an excuse to beg work. And I've asked one Finnish museum, they haven't answered yes but they have said maybe. I've contacted Italy, and there's possibility if I'm brave enough to write to the director. And Cimo scholarships are here, London with some celebrations, Paris and some festivals and a new Rome and the lovely Villa Lante! Gosh I was so disappointed not to be able to go there the year before, but I might have change now.


Only thing is to apply. The hardest thing is if I get to Cimo, I can't do museology work. The same thing happened year ago. I was supposed to apply to Cimo and Lante course. I was scared that I would get to both and therefore I didn't apply to course and didn't get to London or Paris either. God I pray I will get to some place and will be extremely happy and healthy. I have to say this year seems much lighter than year ago. Then I hoped to rejoin with my friends and wad disappointed. Now I know I'll be alone so no disappointments! I can do whatever I want to do alone! Except of course when I'm so lonely and ask somebody and she'll rather stay alone than be with me. But no expectations!

I want

I want friends
I wannt closeness
I want kindness
I want fun
I want someone to ask what I've been doing
and to ask followup questions
I want to go dancing
I want a job
I want hope
I want reason
I want to be healthy
I want to be like everyone else
I want everything to be good again
I want mother to get work
I want mother to get friends
I want mother to stop going alone to Lapland
I want love
I want respect
I want someone to want my body
I want someone to want my mind
I want someone to want to be with me
I want someone to want to get coffee with me
I want someone to ask me to do something with them
I want someone to answer YES to my question
I want that someone to keep their promise
I don't want to be alone
I don't want to cry
I don't want to be depressed
I don't want to be scared
I don't want to stage like I've been out
I don't want to leave around empty beer bottles
which I've been pouring to the sink
or take my key off the door
and wake up early the next morning to put it back
I want to go out once a week
I want to talk to people at least 5 times a week
I want at least 2 groups of friends who don't know each other
I want to lose my virginity in some drunken night to very goodlooking and skillful bloke whoI won't ever see again
I want to have at least 3 boyfriends before I get engaged
I want someone to contact me saying they
admire my work and would I work for them
I want to live in old stone building in city centre,
the kind of building in which everyone want's to visit me
I want people to understand I may not be beautiful but my dimples are the cutest in the world
I want them want to surprise me
I want them to remember stuff about me
I want them to care about what's happening to me
I want them to call me

I sogni autunni

Oh my goodness it's a long time not to have written! But there's an explanation; I've been busy! Yes, had few exams, planning next year's curriculum and acting a good tutor for exchange students. God it's exhausting! But like I always tell everyone who complain, there's a choise in everything. I could stop helping other people, but I rather run up and down and be their servants than sit at home and play computer games. Like job hunting. I'm not allowed to complain not finding work, because I could work in telemarketing or like that any time I want. I just choose rather be unemployed! My sister got work as a cleaner, with her law master degree. I couldn't do that. One, I hate those rubber glowes they have to use. Two, I don't have work experience (they rather employ immigrants). Three, I'm a humanist, the most useless profession there is. And four and five, I really don't want to be a cleaner even if I could get the job, and how humiliating it would be to apply and not to get it!


Must think something more interesting to write... I don't have much good news, everything seems t oget worser and worser. But for some reaso I feel much more hopeful and bright than a year ago. I'm gonna fight not to have as bad a year than last year. Good sign was when I asked one friend to come to a fest with me and she said yes!!! I'm not hopeful, people usually turn me down at the last minute, but at least I god a week to feel happy! And one boy who I have never liked much smiled at me, I don't know was it because I felt so happy and smiled brightly at him or what ever, but it made me walk on cloud nine the rest of the day! And still I'm smirking!



Here's an autumn picture, it's still quite summer here, but you can smell the autumn already. It's my very favourite season! When it's cold outside but you wear warm clothes so you feel alive, but not cold. Yesterday I walked to sit by the river. It's quite long way when my bike is broken, but it really was worth it <3<3<3.

School starts, blaah!

Dear reader, yes I'm still in school. I've been in school for 18 fucking years! And I want to get out! This is sick! Well, actually I'm not in school, I'm in university with lectures and everything "grown-up". Yeah, that worked the first years. Last year I made my Bachelor thesis and I'm absolutely exhausted! Never again!!! Unfortunately I still have my master's 10x longer thesis to do... and of course I'm sick of all the thinking and wondering and want to do something real, which means polytechnic or such and four extra years! Oh my God! I'll be 40 when I finish if I won't die of ulcer first...My mom says most of my problems are caused by thinking uni as school... says high school drop-out...



My plan is to do some shit this autumn and then search every place to find an apprendiceship. Tried last spring already, but didn't get any. Maybe I reached too high, tried to get in Finland's London and Paris cultural embassy, riiight, 3000 applicants... But one is certain, I can't study whole next year, this summer was again summer school. Plus I need money! Goverment student money ends in 6 months and then I have nothing and I must move home, where there's no jobs available.

To sum it all, I'm in shit. My mom's in shit, my grandmom and -dad are gone, this has been one sick summer. And I don't have any friends!!! Okay, don't go there again. You're own fault. Even my grandmother, the alive, asked my mother do I have a problen with her and the (now dead) grandfather, because I'm so scared of them to speak. Plus I wanted them to understand I was depressed when I wasn't speaking. Obviously didn't work... So in the end I'm alone. My mom always says everything will be ok, wait 6 months... HELP ME! Plus the girl who asked me to go to Europe, hasn't said anything after I answered yes please.



Everyone has these kind of days. This should clear the air, if not, it will be autumn soon, the season of new beginnings, new students and possibly friends, and most of all the incredible smell of autumn. My favourite season!

Viva España

I've become sportfan! It happens about 1-3 times a year, when it's world Championship of football (soccer) or icehockey. Icehockey, because Finland is actually good in it (although 1995 hasn't repeated itself yet... Basically it's Finland's own falt, put the disk into goal, don't pass it around until you lose it!) Football, because my hometown is actually good at it (although the team is about to go bankrupt,that's what you get when you sell it to a bar owner... ) and also because fuck footballers look good! Of course hockeyplayers are quite masculine, but you can't see even their faces! Me personally don't like thin men, but footballers are boyish and not as thin as runners.

Why am I writing about sport? But of course because The world championship in South Africa just ended and my favourite team won! I always choose my favourite team, unfortunately, by the first player, that I like. In 1998 it was one Italian, don't remember any more, well, Italy lost against France. That was unfortunate, because I've always liked France. In 2006 I got to try again, this time I stayed with France, and in the end Italy won. I went home, and if I have tv I will watch it, and because my father wanted to watch football, so did I and became addicted. The first game was Spain against something, and I found my new love: Fernando Torres, el Niño. He looks as young as I! Brilliant! I didn't believe Spain would win, but in the end it did! I was happy that Europe was winning in any case, but rooting Spain over Netherlands was caused by Holland being quite boring.

...What the hell was I talking about... Oh yeah, football. Just heard that Enrique Iglesias will be waterskeeing naked, thanks to the victory! David Villa, Xavi, Iker Casillas, os quiero! Not Puyol. I was so shocked, when in the final game Torres wasn't playing but this 80s rocker was! Oh well, I desided to choose other favourite; Villa. But no! In final minutes when Torres was brought back, they took Villa away (and fucked his change to get the golden boot, best goalscorer. But, actually (I hate Germany) Thomas Müller is quite nice himself. But soo young!!! Younger than me! I would go to prison! Aaanyway Torres may not have been as good as some excpected, but he sure brought luck! And kick to the balls!!!

Confusion about the circle of life

A week ago was quite important festival in Finland, Midsummer. Important in Christianity, paganism, 23 hours of sun and last time to enjoy flowers before they die. The last remark wasn't at all good, too predictive and quite a cliché. I went home to countryside and started to prepare myself to celebrate, maybe I could be brave enough to do some magic. But unfortunately after I had spent a day with my very sick mother's father we got a call saying he has been taken to hospital. He's been in terminal stage long time and we have been waiting the call over a year. Now it came, and with it the nausea. Couple days later he had got little better, he wasn't so tired after medication. I felt relief.



My little sister was announced that she should come home as quick as possible. In my mother's words, these could be the last days. this was, I think, Wednesday. On Thursday we got a call. No, it wasn't about my mother's father, but about my father's mother. She had died. That call shouldn't have been a surprise, she had been about four years in really bad condition, she couldn't hear, speak, move... But she seemed to be safe and stable. My father has lost both of his parents, and my mother is really scared. Not only about grandfather but also how my gandmother can handle losing husband and close friend.

I don't know how to handle all of this. I feel, that little grief is of course good. I have no right to ask people to stop crying. But at the same time, I feel that maybe this is how life goes. If I could die after having children, I would be glad. If I would die after having grandchildren, I would be very happy indeed. If I would be so happy to live until I saw my great grandchildren, I would be thanking God. They will never die because these 3 generations of children. The most shameful thing about my thinking was a relief. When last year I heard about my gandfather's condition I felt disappointed. I was really depressed and felt that now I must continue living although I don't really want. That he was living but I was only alive. Why this happened to him. But now, even though I'm even more depressed, I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I don't have to die after all!



I must add another revelation I had. I, again, had fights with my family. Tehy refuse to understand me, even mother, who I thought had understood before, refused to remember it. And I'm sure I was right! And then I had one of these snotty teary conversations with, apparently, God, Jesus and grandmother, and asked why do I feel so worthless, disappointed and plain horrible if I'm not meant to die. The answer came: because world is so weird! The route of life takes the strangest routes to lead to happy ending. It fealt so strange that I started to laugh (through tears). Strange strange world. We fight, hit, insult, but the life always comes back to the starting point and then maybe we'd be able to choose better. It's really incredible. Weird life...

La vita di Casanova

I read an article about a specific hobby; men. The writer seemed to be ashaimed of her hobby, but why? Isn't that what men do? If you see a beautiful male, why shouldn't you admire it? Some parts of the article were concerned with collecting men, quite funnily put. Why is it, that men who sleep with a lot of women is concerned as king, amazing guy with respect of all, even women, but a woman with same qualities is a whore, according to both sexes? And blah blah feminist rage...

But you can enjoy men just by looking. After getting acquainted with the subject he may be quite repulsive, or at least boring. And, of course he might not like you (OMG!). I myself have this hobby and I'm not even secretive. Everyone who cares knows that I like goodlooking guys (this actually isn't funny. Everyone thinks they know exactly who I am. Most of the times they are right, which is ifuriating!). From the shelter of my childish looks and ugliness I have almoust complete peace to observe young gents. In fact, that's the only reason I watch tv. I am an aesthet, even though I may wish to be somewhat more moral or romantic person... But at least it's better than being realist, whish I thought I were.



What it all comes down to is that I'm a scared little shit. Good thing of looking good looking (or people who I think are nice) is that sometimes those look back. I'm not exactly sure how it happens, but either it's some cosmic force (of true love) or then they know what's on my mind and they want to take it where ever they can find it. You know the drill, you screen the dance floor, and suddenly your eyes meet somebody's deep stare and you smile to each other. Then comes the running competition. Can you get to hid in toilets before he comes to talk to you? Because this is how it's supposed to go, isn't it? There's no way you can let the man of your dreams to see how stupid and mute and tease you are. You must keep the dream alive so you can go home and use that for something...



Here's some speciments I've sight over a few days. First one is Olivier Sitruk, lovely, lovely French actor who I saw as Boy Capel in Coco Chanel series. I did hate beards, but not after him! Couldn't find nice picture of that one... The next is mr Tom Riley, as (angrily spitting) Wickham. And the scene is actually best scene of him in Lost in Austen - tv-series, which by the way wasn't stanger for male beauty in other respects too. Fantastic! Must say that I liked him the best from the very beginnig... I've been building this little fantasy between him and Mary (Mary however looking like somebody I know...) Hahaa, again a blogtext mom would be proud!

VA-CA-TION!!!

Hejsan!

Now is Sunday, two days after my last exam this spring. YESSS! Unfortunately I'm not very happy. This whole week was ruined by strange sickness that didn't hurt, only itched. Soo annoying! There wouldn't have been any problem except I was really scared. I pray it's over now and will never come back. It didn't affect my ability to study, but I just didn't feel like studying. I had passed that exam once before and then it was easy. In the end it was so close failing, but that was only because my nerves. It was Swedish oral exam and not only was I late but there was also another girl at the same time. She was speaking so well that I totally blanked. Couldn't understand a word! Luckily teacher just thought I was shy... Well I got mark 2 for it, from 4 the best and failure. I saw the list and most people got 2 as well so that was okay. And I never have to think Swedish again and I can graduate!!!

I practiced to the exam by reading Swedish magazines, a book (The lion, the witch and the wardrobe; 1st Swedish language book ever!) and watching Swedish and Finnish.Swedish tv-programmes and movies. Much more fun than thinking grammar. I actually started to think in Swedish! Especially I liked film called Tjenare Kungen, "God Save the King", which was about girls who wanted to become famous punk band in 80s' Gothenburg. Of course love gets into trouble, and for some weeks my favourite man looked skinny, even drug/boose abuser...



You have taken my heart, you my sister, my bride, you have taken my heart with just one glance.

Up a picture I made from Swedish film Arn Tempelriddaren "Arn -the Knight Templair". I haven't seen it but I have read the books. Actually same time that I read those books I read also DaVinci Code and saw movie National Treasure. Maybe that's why I dislike DaVinci Code so much even it normally that type books are my favourite. Same time I got three different explanations of Knights Templair, that I couldn't sink into that world. Well, it was stupid book in other ways also... And it there's not enough people haiting me, I will say that I hate Ursula Le Guin's books and Narnia is better that LOTR. Hahaa! When discussing of the last problem with my atheist friend, we found out that I don't like LOTR so much because there's no supernatural and my friend likes it exactly for that reason. But every other fantasy fan prefer the other one too! Well, I don't care. By maintaining my view I won't be a follower, a sheep. But really, when I spoke of the Earthsea thing I was nearly decapitated. Nerds are vicious!

A sort of a movie review

What a lovely day was last Friday! It was expected to be at least relieving for then was the second last exam this year, except for the summer exams of course. On Friday finally would year's hardship of trying to study, but always failing, end! My stupid bike broke leaving my leg and hip bruised and I had to walk. Any way, in the exam, which was general exam for all general and cultural history students, I saw even 4 friends! Usually there's no one I know. But now I was happy, they all said hi. But then, when it was supposed to be quiet, a friend came to me and asked whether I wanted to come to movies with her. And, of course I said YES!!! And then the exam started. And after the exam she actually waited for me an hour when I finished my exam (actually I thought she could wait and I hurried up, I usually do full 3 hours, now only 2,5...). And then we decided to go to movies then, she had free tickets. But the way she asked me, I had practiced it so many times in my head; if somebody, who you like, ever propose you, just say yes.

We went to see the new Robin Hood by Ridley Scott. First I wondered what new can it bring. But I think the new approach, mixing the relationships and good/bad roles was quite nice. I liked prince John especially. He was so boyish! "My first fight! I go first!" And I liked the scenes in France. Yesterday I watched Braveheart and my deduction was correct. In the movies made in 21st century the arrows are probably much more realistic than before. They used to be just sticks but now (maybe because sound effects) they really sound lethal.
Feelings were pretty positive on Friday, but now I'm not impressed much. It was okay film, but there are many annoying stuff. My friend was annoyed about the wrongly dated dresses and I about music coming out of instruments when fingers didn't touch. but mostly I felt annoyed about casting. Before I went to imdb I wouldn't have guessed Ridley Scott was English. There was maybe one English guy, Welsh had red hair and what was a Scot doing in English army? For me the best Robin Hood ever is the one with Uma Thurman as Marian. I thought it was really pretty film, of course this new one was similarly realistic, with dirty faces.



Up, an official poster. When you look it quickly, doesn't it look like he's speaking into a walkie-talkie?

What I started to think, when watching the movie, was that it seems that former British colonies have overrun mother country in filming national heroes. I was thinking of Russell Crowe and Kevin Costner as Robins, Mel Gibson as William Wallace, Kate Blanchett as Elisabeth, and so on. It's like Gary Elwes said in men in tights: "And why should the people listen to you? Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent." But of course I souldn't complain, every time some Finnish acotr gets into foreing programme or movie, he/she acts Swedish or Russian... Maybe I should learn more openness. I've just read history philosophy and even before I knew that everything is relative. The English Robin Hood tv-series has actors speaking nto Oxford English, very realistic, I doubt poor people spoke good English in the middle ages. But who's to say they spoke modern English at all? New English people spoke probably more British English than modern American, but one doesn't think it often. Actually it's quite funny in Finland to think how natural it sounds when watching Jane Austen films, but in historical films of Finland people sound really awkward. But on the other hand, higher classes coundn't speak Finnish until about hundred years ago, so if they spoke Finnish then it was bound to sound weird. Yes, it's really awful, I'm so old and still I have so much to learn. I need a mentor!!!

Drinking from the Grail

Today I found amazing song. I don't know what it is, it's sung in English, but I can't really make out the lyrics. It's really simple, just C-A-F-G on piano all the time, and some fineries. But often simplest is the most effective. Especially for me, who's into stong base line. And then I went into facebook and saw my friend had written something to me. I'm still too scared to read and possibly ruin it so I don't know for certain what it was she wanted, but it started with traveling plans, and I wish, nay, I Pray she's asking me to leave with her. I've had so much shit this year, I've been all alone and school's went bad and health of course down. so when I read the note, and listened the song, I walked two steps, fell on my knees and cried. ---



This little dramatic act has been my saviour often. It takes away the pain in misery and boosts up the happiness in joy. Mostly, like 80% of it is an act. I deside now I feel like falling on my knees. But when I deside to stand and start walking my knees just give up almost automatically. And the crying is just wrong. That's not what I want, but I gather the emotion, on purpose, so much that it finally takes over. Why it's so amazing is because normally I have such selfcontrol. I don't talk, I don't defend, I don't say my opinions or show emotions (except laughter). It's such a pleasure to be dramatic on one's own home! And of course it's what ladies were doing in historical times, swooning and so on, as a mark of femininity. Such a nice little play of a fine lady. I wish everybody could experience this. Lots get fits of anger, maybe even fits of passion. But to hear a song and have a fit of such a joy it makes you fall really makes you believe in goodness of world. But don't cry. It makes your eyes and head hurt.

Summer rain!!!

There's nothing like the smell after a summer rain! Except of course the smell of just cut grass. I've been waiting when somebody cuts our grass... But then came this rain, which started after I was in school and had a sunbath and while I was having my lunch. The best time! And it's so lovely warm outside! It's been really hot here for couple of days. Must enjoy every minute because probably it will be cold the rest of the summer. That's what happens when vulcanic ash cloud starts circling the Earth. But really I don't understand why everybody's complaining they can't fly. People have been (civilians) flying only about 50 years compaired with tousands of years of not flying and still being able to live. And quite francly if I was stuck in Canary Islands I wouldn't be too sad. And one shouldn't forget the nature. I think it's just stupid to fly distances within one country (apart from big one like US). Shrinking 7 hours' train into 1 hour's plain saves only time, and not necessary even that with all the airfield security checks. Must confess, however, next time someboby asks me to go by bus from Aberdeen to Paris, 12h + 8h & 4h of waiting in between, I will jump to an airplane. Although Ferry across English Channel was cool...

Okay, now I will translate a little poem, which has been in my head a long time because spring has been so beautiful. It's by Larin Kyösti and Oscar Merikanto has composed it. I'm afraid not thes best translation, done in five minutes...


I live, oh what joy!
Oh what joy and music is within my veins,
Heart has never beaten like this,
What shine and fever fills me now,
I sing, I sing, I sing,
Because God created me to sing.



I could be dead already,
under the flowers of death and darkest night,
Oh no, no, I live, I can feel it now,
How my soul grows struggling
Towards the stars through the highest work!




I live, I live, I live,
To you , life, my highest song rings!
The holy spring shall crown my soul,
I am the young king of life again,
I sing, I sing, I sing,
Because God created me to sing.



- Good behavior in a nature reserve and ancient monument area: beer cans not left in wilderness but hidden in a rock hole.

Amhrán na BhFiann

This night became, by an accident (like everything funny) an Ireland night! I have no idea why I wished to search from my favourite webside a American/Irish movie MatchMaker, which is really cliché, but ah so lovely! I laughed inapprovingly loud and often considering I was supposed to read for an exam... But maybe it would have remained unwatched, if it hadn't had a significant male lead. I watched very closely, lots of times, of David O'Hara, but he's just not that good-a-looking guy. Still, if he would smile and say hi at me, I would drop my clothes instantly. Guess it's that crooked smile and Irish accent (although he's Glaswegian). I have to say, I stopped watching the District after first season, because they blasted him off. EF U!



And the femail lead was Janeane Garofalo, small lady. I am a small lady, therefore ofcourse I liked the movie! Actually I watch most of tv-programmes only because I fancy one of the men. Quite sad... or like my mom dared to say to me, you only talk about the thing you want (sounds better in Finnish).

And Irish theme continued with Intermission and Cillian Murphy. This movie had quite lot of Scottish actresses, maybe it's easy for them to change accent?... What I like about this movie is that Cillian behaves exactly like Finnish guys would. Girlfriend wants him to say I love you, and he chooses to break up with her, because he's too scared. So sweet! Oh and in the previous movie Sean and his brother had fights all the time which is lovely. If men have an argument, they wrestle a little and it's ok. When women hane an argument they start to spread rumours behind the other's back. No companionship, no relieving of steam, only hatred that grows and grows...


What else about Ireland? Oh yes, I almoust had an Irishman once, I said no because I thought it would've been embarassing and slutty in the first night. Here's the life lesson for all: If you want something, and it is offered to you, DON'T SAY NO. No matter if you have work or exam tomorrow, or if a date is sittin opposide or your mom, or you think tomorrow's an other day, I still have time. NO YOU DON'T! This is the last time ever you can do this thing, so take your change, you don't have to be even brave, just go even with white nose. That regret will be thousands times smaller than the regret you feel years from now when the second change hasn't come along. Horatius said 2000 years ago, Seize the day, Carpe Diem, because tomorrow you will be dead.


And here's a last look of Irishmen. Not actually Irish but something like that. I prefere the young Indiana Jones on the right, Sean Patrick Flanery. Ay, gonna have sweet dreams!

By the way

Maybe I should give you a small history lesson about my previous raving. The Scottish thing is continuation for queen Elisabeth and Mary queen of Scots -thing and Gunpowder plot. First after Elisabeth Scottish Stewards ( Stuarts) were in power, they were mostly protestants but at least good heritage. Then into power came German family and finally twinstate system was destroyed and Scotland became subject to England. There were Stuarts in France and first James The Old Pretender or The Old Chevalier tried to get power 1715 in the 1st Jacobite rising. Then his son Charles Bonnie Prince Charlie tried the same 1745 but was succesful only in destroying clan system. And the Jacobite term comes from James in latin, Jacob, if I recall correctly.



And the other Jacobite group was in France. According to Wikipedia the name comes from street the group assembled, also in latin Jacobus, Rue St Jacques. They were radical bourgeois group wanting French royalty to disappear and started so called reign of terror 1790s, the "bad revolution" after the "good revolution" when nobody was safe anymore.



First up there's picture of Flora MacDonald in her tartan, she moved to America during the highland cleaning, when all Jacobites were killed. Down is famous picture of Charlotte Corday by Paul Baudry.

Caledonian Dreams

Sunday boredom

Now it's sunday, mothers' day and all the shops are closed and it's raining and I don't have anything to eat. So... I saw a tv-programme, where people went to Wales. That Reminded me of Scotland. I lived there, on the east coast, for a year, but I never got to visit west coast, which is the more famous scenery of Scotland ( and the accent). I planned to take the Jacobite steam train from Fort Williams to Mallaig and I almost bought the tickets, but shit happens... It would have been so amaising!!!



Anyway, Jacobites are a wee interest of mine, I did some years ago a kind of stupid reseach paper on Jacobite rebellion's history through folk songs. It might have been good, if done better... However, I've just written my Batchelor's thesis which weared me out completely. I've been thinking with horror about time after summer when I have to start my master's thesis. But now, thanks to that stupid programme, I started waisting my sunday in researching.

I think Master's thesis is quite important in marking out one's special interests in future working life, and that's why I must write on something I really like, not just on something weird, ( like Batchelor thesis about 2nd WW Japan. Everybody keeps asking how I became interested about atomic destruction. How the fuck should I know?!!!) And I think, because I know languages, maybe I should think using them! I bought from Culloden a book about female Jacobites ( Damn' Rebel Bitches). And I have read a book about French Jacobite females. So why not write dissertation about Flora MacDonald and Charlotte Corday, the first saved Bonnie Prince Charlie after Jacobite defeat, the second murdered Marat, Jacobite leader in French Revolution. Actually tey are quite far fetched. Is there anything in common about the two Jacobite rebellions, except they happened at the opposing ends of the same century? Scotland and France were friends, but there still was that Enlightment in between them. Quite an obstacle. And of course Scottich were usually high class people, where French were bourgeois. I'm quite proud of finding Flora for my example. She was low class lass. (Scottish words!!!)




But I really should take some time off form thinking. I still have three books to read to one exam. When that's finished it's summer holiday!!! (except those summer exams which I should have done before...) What summer's gonna be like? I don't have any work, my friends (the one friend ) is going back to China, and I'm stuck in a shitty appartement far from city centre in a place where only first year students live. But with any luck I'll have a ball.

Above first there's a picture of highlands and the train, stolen from Westcoastrailways.co.uk. Next one's my own from Pantheon, Paris and the altar of republical idea.

San Juan Copala

Politics, politics... but I think it's important. We should all have equal rights to live. That doesn't happen everywhere. One place in particular is Oaxaca in southern Mexico. People living there are indians and the most poorest people in Mexico. Unfortunatelly there are lots of natural resources. Therefore government allowes semi-official armed forces go around and scare people to get access to riches.

My new hero is Jyri Jaakkola, finnish human rights activist, who was shot few days ago by one of these groups. He was in the area to help local people with their lives. Antoher finnish activist, a woman, was saved when Jyri protected her and took her bullets. Finnish government is, well, quite useless usually, but now finally according to one of the yellow papers Finland sent a note to Mexico demanding it to find and punish the guilty ones.

There are people saying that he went there knowing the risks and that he almoust deserved to die. I'm sorry? He knew that he could die when saving somebody else's life. I think that is the best way anyone to die. If we could make everyone in the planet know what is happening in Mexico then world opinion could make Mexico to stop these atrocities. Sure they are only indians and even poor. That doesn't make them any less worth of our attention.

Voila, my blog is here!

Hi you, I started a blog! I feel that facebook status is too small room to tell about my day, that blog should be nicer. This will, hopefully, be a stream of consciousness, nothing fancy or serious, just to let the world know I'm alive. In a perfect world no one will complain my language, which contains words and structures form lots of languages, because some things just doesn't sound right in the language you speak [write]. And grammar mistakes are welcome, thank you! Yes, and I plan to write this at night, like now, when I've watched some spooky programme and just heard a noise under my bed. Hopefully I never read these when I'm awake.

I have pretty nice examples, one is about her feelings, other is mostly pictures and third is jokes. This will be whatever I feel like doing. But now I'm too tired, think I have to go to bed.

Here's a picture of our cat, Urmelo. This is from last summer, when she climed on top of a window to get in, but got stuck. Finally I put a plank with which she was able to clime down. Unfortunatelly she died this spring to the wounds probably made by lynx. She was such a fighter!